Oh my stars am I still at work?! I said to Mum this morning that I am pretty sure I resigned 8 weeks ago now (well it certainly seems like it). Everyone keeps asking me how the whole stay at home Mum thing is going…and I will be sure to let them know – the minute it actually starts! Which, in case you were wondering is the week after next).
It has been a few weeks now since I wrote this post and started to make some REAL changes in my life. In our life. And it’s been good. Really good. Good to actually have some decisions made, directions changed. Firm actions. Daisy has been better for it. Well, actually, strike that, I have been better for it which in turn means I have been less stressed. Less angry. Less shouty. More patient. And that has made a difference for her. Harper has been better. She has been well for the first time in ages. She is putting on weight. She is clapping. And laughing and starting to look like the happy, chubby 8 month old baby she should have been. Without too much change, things have become better. For all of us. It’s a great feeling to know that things are on the change…for the better. And all because you have made those changes.
I have been doing so much thinking of late. A dangerous thing no doubt. Trying to weigh up further changes for us. For our family. For my relationship with Rob. And my friends. And family. To really start to engage and embrace the wonderful life that we have been given. While I was working and stressing (actually I still am so don’t listen to me!) life just seems to pass you by. Monday comes around and the days turn into weeks and hello it’s already half way through July when on earth did that happen? Plans to catch up with friends never happen, another weekend passes by with nothing much achieved. And bigger than that – you work hard, so you can hopefully move into a bigger house, so you can go through the motions and do what you are “supposed” to be doing. For so many years I have done this. I finished high school, I went to uni (because you do) then I got a job and I worked, and moved out and then moved out again, moving up the chain to bigger and better jobs and houses along the way – because that’s what you do right? You compare yourself to family. And friends. And check off your progress along the way against peers and loved ones – marriage? Check. Kids? Check. It just keeps going on and on and on. And don’t get me wrong – it’s FABULOUS. Marvellous in fact. My life. The life I have chosen is one pretty damn fine life. Health. Happiness. Real, pure, honest love & connection with my husband. Happy kids. A wonderful home in an amazing city. Weekends away to some of the most beautiful places in our country. Overseas holidays. I am blessed. More so with a life that I never really thought that I could have. Or deserved to have.
And I know there shouldn’t be any buts. But there are…
What if. What if we make some choices to change the process. The progress. The ladder. The treadmill. The ‘whatever’ it is that everyone out there is doing. Day after day. And that is SO fine that they are doing that because they feel engaged and into that process. It’s right for them.
Somehow, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. For me. For us (I think?). Maybe? What if we look at what we have. The flexibility of Rob’s work and use that to our advantage. Really look at life. At the one chance we have at it and make it something amazing. Not suburban. Not everyday but AMAZING. Imagine loving, really loving where you live. Loving what you do. Loving how you spend time, who you spend with with because you chose it. Not because it was the ‘right’ thing to do?
I was in the car this morning on my way to work listening to this song really, really, REALLY loudly (stick with it…it goes for 8 mins) – in fact play this song whilst reading this post – it should be the soundtrack for the post! And whilst I was thinking of the 101 maybes, the 742 what ifs, the 3672 I don’t knows, I thought that at least this whole process really is…bringing me back to life. And even though I don’t know what that life is. Or where it is. I feel like I am getting closer. And it’s fucking exciting to feel alive again.