I love my husband. Very much. He is everything I ever hoped for in a partner – someone who is creative, and smart and funny and challenging and patient and kind. He is also very handsome which doesn’t hurt. I love him deeply and passionately.
I just haven’t liked him very much lately.
I can only just write about this now, because I feel like we are out of the woods a little, but we have just been through one of the toughest patches in our relationship and most definitely our marriage. For many reasons – him working, me being over tired and over worked with the kids, and a gazillion other things along the way. You know these phases – they come and they go – this one just bit a little harder than others. The problem this time being that we turned away from each other. With our own hurts and frustrations and problems. We shut down from each other because when one of us tried, and didn’t get what we wanted from the other, and then perhaps tried again, and still got no where, we just shut down. The very worst thing you can do. Instead of really talking to each other we spoke when needed to. Instead of being kind to each other we spat out hurtful one liners (OK I did that) – to try and grab attention. To try and make and point. Point made? That we were just hurting each other further.
It’s a complex business this marriage business. Throw kids into the mix and you make it even more so. Throw in working ridiculous hours and it’s out of control. I was lucky enough to make a speech at my little sister’s wedding earlier this year and I wanted to speak to her about honestly about being married. About being a good partner. About being a good wife. And then down the track a mother and a wife. I don’t know much because I’ve only being doing the wife gig for 6 years and the mothering thing for 4.5. What I do know is that you have to talk. You have to communicate. Even if you don’t want to, you have to. Like watering the garden, like washing your clothes, if you want things to grow, to stay well looked after and healthy you have to communicate. I made the mistake these past 3 weeks to not do it and it burnt me. Badly. I hurt my partner and my friend by turning by back. Looking back I could see just how easy it would be for things to get out of hand. For the bad behaviour of not listening and shutting down to become a habit and all of a sudden for each others hurt and pain be internalised, festered and fed. Just like *that* you could be up shit creek. Frightening really.
So? The point of this? Besides being therapy for me, to work out where I went wrong these past few weeks, I guess I’m trying to say if you are having a particularly shitty time in your relationship – and you know we all have them – whatever the problem…talk. Maybe it’s beyond talking. Maybe it’s really hard to talk about. Maybe you are so hurt and so sure that you were right and that you’re not going to give in…talk. True to my form of always putting it out there on this blog – regardless of whether it will get me into trouble or not, I need to remember to talk. This post will remind me of that. Writing down the words helps the message get into my brain. I must remember to put my own hurts and frustrations aside, and talk. Be the caring partner I want to be. Be the supportive and loving wife I actually love to be.
And talk. Just talk. That’s all.
Now, if you were giving some advice to yourself at the start of your married life what would it be? I think I would say something like “Sleep now, while you can, you’re going to need it. Enjoy having sex. Enjoy having sex in the morning. Enjoy having sex in the middle of the night, cause you can. Enjoy sleeping with no clothes on if you want. Enjoy driving in the car without turning around. Enjoy eating in restaurants past 5.30pm. Enjoy Saturday afternoon sessions at the pub. Enjoy your afternoons and evenings. Enjoy your sleep ins. Enjoy each other and hold onto your hats because it’s going to be a rocky ride. And that’s OK.”
And to my ever suffering husband….I’m sorry. Again. I love you and like you. Very much.