Fear. Risk. And all the stuff in between.

It was 8 weeks or so out from the wedding and I stood there, getting my wedding dress fitted and I looked in the mirror. All those familiar thoughts came rushing to the surface. Again. I never imagined my wedding dress to look like this. I never imagined my wedding to be like this. I never thought I would be so unexcited about my wedding. What if? What if? What if? But, I brushed it aside, like I always did, with a silly ‘just get on with it’, and tried to smile, and look ‘the part’ of a bride to be.

Except I couldn’t.
This just wasn’t right. On so many levels. And as I stood there and looked in the mirror and really looked at myself, the person that was staring back at me was so desperately unhappy. And so full of potential. And so about to wither away to nothing.
But somewhere from within {I still don’t know where from. Or how} the real me shone through. The real me started to ask some big questions “don’t you want to feel love, real passionate love for the man you are going to marry? Don’t you deserve more than the life you have chosen before you? Don’t you think that maybe, just maybe, you don’t actually have to keep going through the motions, ticking the boxes, moving through the next phase of life to the next? Don’t you think that the eventual next step will be divorce? Think about it. Think about it. What if? What if?

Days later it was over. All of it. I was moved out. Wedding called off. I was moved back to Mum’s place a lost 25 year old young woman with one hell of a weight was lifted off my shoulders. A new beginning had begun. And it sounds much easier to write that in a neat sentence to what the reality of the situation was. People were shocked. And hurt. Really hurt. But I can’t think about it, I rarely allow myself to, let alone write about it. And that’s not my story to share, or my burden to hold onto.
What I do acknowledge, share and celebrate was the small part within me that said “Fuck it. Go on. Don’t do this. You deserve more than this. There is more for you than this.” And even though I didn’t know if there was, it was a risk worth taking. A life by myself had to have been better than a life where I grew to hate myself. And others. And resent everything around me for the decisions that I had made. That alone was worth the risk.
During my speech at my wedding to Rob almost 2 years later I ended it by thanking myself. And people giggled and snickered at this remark, thinking it a light hearted comment, but it could not have been further from the truth. I wanted to thank that part of me somewhere in there that took the chance. That eventually paid off. In ways that I could never have dreamed of. Ever believed to be true. I am one lucky, lucky lady.
These days of packing up my house and moving onto the next phase in my life have made me a little nostalgic, you can clearly see. They bring to the surface physical reminders and memories of times before, and whilst I tried to throw away almost every trace of that life, there have been a few that have surfaced. And that’s OK. They are part of my story. Part of how I got to here, packing up my life in Sydney and starting anew in the country. In my {many} recent moments of panic and fear about all the BIG changes ahead for me, and for my beautiful girls and Rob, my family, I think that sometimes you have to risk it all, because it just might be worth it in the long run.
  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10327661563449068137 Gifts of Serendipity

    I know the fear of which you write because I experienced it too.
    At 22 I was literally paralysed by fear on the eve of the wedding and didn’t have your courage to cancel.

    It took a further five years to be brave enough to speak the truth and allow us both the freedom to seek true happiness.

    You are a wonderful person and I admire you greatly for honouring your ‘self’ and the other person and taking the path of integrity when it was really needed.

    x Felicity

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07219272193124932806 PinkPatentMaryJanes

    I am so in awe of you. You are so inspirational and utterly amazing that I tingled and ached as I read this. I want to print this out and save it and give it to my daughter when she’s older so she can be infused with just a little of your strength and determination.

    Wow.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09334181966209041832 Corinne

    You’re an incredibly brave and courageous woman! And look at the gifts your courage has given you.

    Your new adventures will bring you much happiness, I’m certain!

    Thanks so much for sharing! x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02447769041850732626 BuBbles

    Amazing. All too often we forget to thank ourselves and we really should do it more often.

    I can empathise with the risk you’re taking moving to the country and starting on a new path in your life. I’m about to move overseas with my family and it is so scary and risky but I’m sure it will be one of the best adventures of our lives and yours will be too!

    Take care,

    BuBbles
    x.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15761220164069379437 Maxabella

    I’m just so darn impressed and inspired and proud of you right now (in a totally non-condescending way, I promise!). That’s just so incredibly COURAGEOUS. That nugget of self-belief that just KNEW there was something more YOU out there. Maybe not even better, but just more you.

    It’s terrifying to change our world because sometimes we take responsibility for changing someone elses’ world at the same time. To be brave enough to do that shows a person of true integrity and grit.

    Thanks for sharing this. Nostalgia is a wonderful thing. x

  • http://www.picklebums.com/ katepickle

    As I watch a friend struggle to move away from a choice she made years ago because ‘settling for something, seemed better than nothing’ your story really rings true here. It took my friend ten long years to feel strong enough to say that she deserved more, that she deserved love.

    I hope others read your post and find the same strength and belief in themselves because we all deserve it, even if sometimes we forget that

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03493854657141470059 Super Sarah

    What an honest and inspirational post. Thanks for sharing. I think thanking yourself was a perfect way to acknowledge how much of a life-changing decision you had made.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13778238517713121621 Julia

    Wow – what an amazing person you are. I admire your courage to be you and trust that the rest will take care of itself. I hope that same part of yourself will emerge after each panic as you pack up your Sydney life. I know only good things could come from following your hearts desires. Enjoy the next chapter. x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14787027291104632931 Jen

    Gees, that took some guts. I am full of admiration. xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05734856795923488026 Rachael

    I just got goosebumps reading that!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00621170366257326241 MultipleMum

    You were so young but so brave. I love that you did this. I love that the ‘risk’ worked out for you. I love that you thanked yourself at your wedding (I bet your besties knew exactly what that was about). I love that you have gone on to find true happiness with Rob.

    Don’t be scared of the next thing. You are clearly more than capable of looking after yourself :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16414589007412394888 Kylie @ The Rockgarden

    It takes amazing strength to walk away from that situation. It was the best thing that you could do for yourself, for the other party involved, and for your future children.

    There must be something about the 25th year. I’ve been there. Thank god I’m here now.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09148087567837108169 ashley

    Thank you, Beth. This is EXACTLY what I need to hear- EXACTLY! You have truly inspired me to make a change. xxx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00523302175587144970 Belinda

    I wish you were a real life friend. xx.

  • http://melbournemumma.com/ Melbourne Mumma

    Great post, and a wonderful reminder to trust your inner self and your true feelings…can be so easy not to. Love your blog too, glad to have come across it!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12300961546795965857 Jodie at Mummy Mayhem

    Beth – what a fan-bloody-tastic post. Beautifully written.

    Depending on what you believe in, some say what you hear from inside is your gut instinct, or your guardian angel, or your inner voice, or the Holy Spirit. Whatever. It doesn’t matter, because you HEARD it and you LISTENED.

    So yes – you should thank yourself. Good for you. We should always listen to that voice inside us. :)

    xxx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08156015996147898156 Glowless

    Your courage is inspiring. Thanking yourself is so important, and putting it out there for all of us to read is amazing.

    I left a relationship that although didn’t have anything wrong with it also didn’t have anything right with it, on the chance that another man I’d become friends with would maybe like me as much as I liked him. We’re now married with a baby… guess he liked me :)