January Schmanuary

I don’t know what it is about this time of the year but I am nothing if not predictable. I find January just so urghhhhh and blah and sigh loaded.

This week I have really struggled with everything. I have been in a mood. Opening my mouth and speaking fluent bitch to Rob. I have been getting frustrated far too quickly with Daisy and have only really had tolerance and time for Harper because she is just so laid back and delicious and sweet. And she just laughs at me. Oh and occasionally gets cranky if my boob doesn’t come quick enough for her, but all is soon forgiven with one of those smiles. Let’s just say she doesn’t ask for much and gives me a WHOLE lot in return for very little. The kid is high yield and I like it!
I am sure that it shouldn’t be this way. I should be pumped by the fresh start. The newness of the new year should be spurring me into action. I should be getting organised, and planning or something but it just isn’t happening. For the first time (I think EVER) I don’t have a new diary for the new year. Nor a new calendar. This is OUTRAGEOUS behaviour for an organiser like me. I LOVE the diary transfer when you choose just the right pen and go through and add in every one’s birthdays, all the while reflecting on the year that was. But yet I find myself adding things into the diary on my PHONE instead of putting pen to paper. This JUST won’t do I tell you!
I had a meeting with my boss this week and chatted about “start dates” for when I will be heading back to work. I am lucky enough to just be going back 2 days per week to start with (which is fabulous and I am very grateful for). I had a great dinner with some old friends which included pork belly and plenty of laughs. I have had sleep ins almost every day. Rob has gotten up early to be with Daisy and I even had a sleep when Harper napped during one of the days that Daisy was at school. And yet still? BLAH.
What is it about January? Is it the looming year ahead? The unknown of what is ahead of me? The sheer number of nights of unbroken sleep before me that feels a little overwhelming? I Have been trying to work it out and I think I may just have a little idea. I was reading on Corinne’s blog about passion and still not knowing what you want to do and it so struck a chord with me. I think that January is just a rude reminder for me that ANOTHER year has gone by without me doing something better than what I have been doing. It’s like when you were young and you did something silly, or wrong and your Mum says something like “I am disappointed in you” and it is the WORST thing that your Mum can say because you already know and it just makes you feel even worse. Do you know what I mean? I feel like January is that mum saying those words to me.
Each and every year since I finished school I have had people tell me that I should be doing something better than what I have been doing. Okay strike that, that could be (read IS) my interpretation of things, so maybe not better, but different to what I have been doing. Whether it was choosing the wrong partner for too many years, to doing a great uni degree and then doing nothing with that degree and working in a completely different field, I have had a constant thread where people have told me that I should do something more creative, or write, or something other than what I have been doing. There have been many reasons why I haven’t done this. Many that I won’t go into here, sacrifices that I have made for others because I love them and because I have wanted to. But I tell you, I think it’s about time I pulled my creative finger out. It’s about time to get serious about what I really want. For me. What would make me really happy and fulfilled.
Without trying to sound like a complete wanker (can you preface something with that without sounding anything BUT a wanker?), I know that I am fabulous. I know….what a TOSSER…but my family have always made me believe this, and well after being told for 33 years, I do believe it. I really do. If there is one thing I am good at, it’s self belief. I mean if you don’t love yourself, no one else will. Right? Well that’s what I have been taught at least. Anyway, I honestly do believe that I was meant to do something fabulous (could there possibly be broader term than fabulous?). I mean I really think that I was meant to do it. This blog has been a great little outlet for me and because of my Leo tendencies to want to be adored, well the comments from people encouraging me has only reinforced my passion for it. But I still just don’t know what that “something” is. And it’s SO frustrating. Each and every year passes me by and still I find myself working in a sensible job that pays the bills. I jealously look on at what Rob is doing, and has done with his TV show and think I want that too! But when I really look at what “that” is I honestly have NO idea what “that” is. And reaching just ANOTHER January with the same cluelessness is why I am feeling (yet again) so BLAH.
So what am I going to do about it? Well actually admitting this to myself (and to you all) is a BIG step for me. There I said it. There, I do know why I have been such a bitch to everyone this week. I really want to be cranky with myself, but instead have decided to be mean to everyone else in the house (except that sweet little babe of mine with that cheeky little smile). Why am I so frightened of actually taking a step towards the evolution of Beth and watch the fabulosity in full swing? What is holding me back? And I really need to work this stuff out and make some plans before this dreaded January is over, because then the year will just get away from me, life will go on and ANOTHER year will go on with me and my passions (whatever they may be) on the back burner. And I KNOW that I don’t want to get to next January with a whole new years worth of regrets to add into a bad January mood. Because that would be one HELL of a mood.
So?
Watch this space.
And if you have any suggestions to just what my fabulosity is. Please let me know. I clearly have NO idea.

Comments

  1. You ARE fabulous! And there’s nothing wrong with taking out your frustrations on other people, that’s what loved ones are for! But seriously, good luck with finding your passion and running with it this year.

  2. I read this book a few years back when I was in a real cross roads with my career. I found it really helpful as it walks you through the process of identifying what’s important to you re: work, what you enjoy doing in general, in work, as a hobby, how important being well paid is etc. Just helps to get you thinking about what you really want and then how to go about making the change….
    http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Color-Your-Parachute-2005/dp/1580086152
    See what you think…can’t hurt right?

  3. It’ll come. The fact that you’re looking for something means that one day you’ll uncover it. It mightn’t be through your paid work though – but with someone as fabulous as you it will happen! Just take small steps towards living your fabulous life xx

  4. Thank you for the link. Hopefully 2010 will be the year we both live our dreams (or at least work out what our dreams are!) x

  5. Oh I hear you sista on that note…It will come to you cause you know are fabulous

    xxox

  6. I haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up…but you’ve inspired me to find my passion!
    Someone at work was raving about this book http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Lifes-Purpose/dp/B000UK73QO
    I reckon you should write a book ;)

  7. Diary your mum gave me thought for today:

    Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work as been put into his heart. -Djalal ad-Din Rumi

  8. Fabulous – yes. Your niche? NFI! But good luck finding it!

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