Yesterday we went and saw our latest friend into the world Angus who is the 2nd child to close friends of ours. I was excited to meet the little (actually big 9 pounds 5 ounces) boy and Daise was pretty impressed to be heading to the hospital.
I was overwhelmed when we got there. It was the same hospital where we had Daisy and I haven’t been back there since we left there. I was flooded with some feelings of insecurity and anxiety and good old fashioned plain fear – all the things I felt when I was leaving with little, tiny, perfect Daisy all those months ago. I saw the room where we stayed, I showed Daisy the nursery where we gave her her first bath. She was running around screaming and yelling and she looked ENORMOUS compared to these new beauties.
And when we were leaving, having held a perfect newborn I must say I felt like I could do that. And I want to do that. Just not now. BUT the main feeling that I had was that all those feelings I had at the time – the fear – the feeling of being overwhelmed – out of control – I didn’t need to have them. We worked it out…eventually. If I could have told myself not to worry, take my time and easy on myself, I would have. Then I thought about now. All the same feelings I have about Daisy and her sleep, and tantrums – maybe in 20 months time my future self would say to me now…don’t stress, it will work out. There are more important things to worry about in the scheme of things. And I left there feeling a little different. Perhaps because I had had an existential moment with my future self of 20 months time (I looked fabulous by the way!) but it just put things into perspective.
I am Beth. Just Beth. Although as I have moved to the country I am considering changing my name to Bev. Because I’ll be making jam. And stuff. But I guess that’s fast forwarding a little. As Coldplay said, let’s go back to the start.. More about me.