I still have anxiety dreams that I am sitting down for my HSC Maths exam and I’ve realised that I haven’t done any study. None. It’s a nasty dream, but one that comes to me often over the years. I wake panicked, then relieved, and then spend the next 45 minutes trying to get the heart rate back down and get to sleep. Usually my mind and it’s worries then takes over then so it’s longer before sleep, or usually a child, eventually comes.
Last week I had a dream about being on a roller coaster. I know! So creative with the metaphors! I was fighting with someone, hopping on, going round, then dealing with another drama and hopping back on. I woke up at 1.30am, wide awake, then Harper woke, telling me she had a bad dream too, so we had a chat for a while about our bad dreams, until sleep eventually came. I have always been a dream fighter. Saying all the things I would say in real life given the gall & inclination to do so. I am fiery, passionate, every emotion seems bigger, brighter, hotter and sadder than in real life. I’ll sometimes cry – proper, hot, wet tears and catch your breath like it did when you were a small kid or sometimes laugh like a mad woman. In between the endless wake ups from the smallest child (yes it’s started again and no, I’m not ready to talk about it) it’s quite the business, sleeping, for me.
I’ve got so much to do at the moment internets. It feels overwhelming and beyond me, but I know that it’s not, that it’s just because I’m out of practice of doing stuff. My head is talking me out of all kinds of things at the moment “why would you keep doing that? Why did you think you could even DO that? Why would someone DO that? Why? Why? WHY?” This morning I feel a little like I’m sitting in that Maths exam – completely under prepared and panicked. I have a to do list that has to be sorted into chapters and I have 2 kids that are a little sick and tired of each others company.
I’m going to stop my head from getting ahead of me. I’m going to keep going for my runs. I’m going to do something small that I know I can do, write in on the list, do it and cross it off. See? One thing done! Even if that’s a load of holiday washing. And then I’m going to do another. And then the next. It’s all going to get done. I’m going to shut out all the noise and worry, disappointment and sadness around me at the moment and focus.
And I’m going to hop on this roller coaster and try and enjoy the ride. Even the bits that make my stomach drop. This is life, and I’ll take the sharp twists and turns over the merry go round any day.