Here, come sit to me. THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. I saved you a seat. In the shitty waiting room of the Xray this afternoon, where it was really hot and filled with many old people.
Let’s go back 8 WEEKS ago shall we? OK. Lets!
Daisy was at ballet. Like she does every Thursday afternoon in the lovely old hall in our village. The little ladies were on the floor doing stretches, and Daisy dragged herself backwards along the floorboards. The old 100 year old splintery floorboards. We know where this is going right? A VERY big splinter went through the tights and straight into her big, juicy, peachy buttock (or guza as we call it round these parts thanks to my Croatian sister in law). Her ballet teacher (and my friend) bravely removed said splinter and we nursed her pride and bottom for a few days. All was well. No complaints. No issues. End of story.
I got sick with my gall bladder. I then went to New York. She’s a big kid who deals with her own bottom mostly and while the bruise remained on the bottom, it was never complained about. It wasn’t until I got back from NY and got her out of the bath that I felt a lump where the splinter was. Maybe it was scar tissue? No complaints again, and life got in the way. More weeks passed. The lump remained. I MEANT to make an appointment, but then Rob was away, Harper got sick. Something always gets in the way doesn’t it? Last Wed we went to the GP, got a referral for an ultrasound the following day. In we trotted, on went the ultrasound and there she was! The splinter! THE 3CM SPLINTER still lodged in my daughter’s bottom. I tried to explain why it had been there for 8 weeks. Why I meant to get it done sooner. Why it was there in the first place. An appointment was made for this afternoon, the last afternoon of my solo time with the kids – just the thing for my frayed nerves!
It wasn’t pretty. Local anesthetic isn’t pretty for anyone, least of all an anxious 5 yro. Lies of “No it won’t hurt much!” were made. A tired and whingy 2 yro with a poo in her nappy asking to sit on my lap and asking for food whilst this all was happening. Screams were made. People holding the wee thing down and 45 minutes & 1 stitch later all 4 PIECES were gone.
I know. It’s OK, I know. LOOK AT IT. She is quite keen to take it to School Assembly in the morning mind you.
First stop after the toy shop was the pub, of course, for lemonades, chips and a calming Coopers Pale Ale for Mama. DEAR GOD.
I am now having a calming sauv blanc.
So tell me. What’s your worst parenting fail moment? Make me feel better. Please?