Edited to add 12.18pm:
Ladies/Gents, let’s keep it nice and keep our manners in check. I didn’t want this post to be a vigilante attack on Julietta, far from it. I wanted to say sorry to the people I hurt. The words in the article were indeed MINE (albeit taken out of context). I wanted my disappointment be known at the angle she took. I appreciate all your support and wonderful comments, but let’s keep it nice ladies. It doesn’t do bloggers reputations any good and I believe drives us further apart from traditional media further if we behave like a pack of crazy women when one of us is attacked. It just doesn’t sit well with me. Do you know what I mean?Are we OK then? Yes? OK, as you were….
Saturday night I had dreams about some ex boyfriends. It was like the ghost of Christmas past – in and out they came one here and there – it was quite exhausting seeing them and working out what I would say to them and all the time looking for my family who didn’t seem to be anywhere at all. I woke Sunday morning with a strange sense of nostalgia, but not good nostalgia, a type of dredging up old stuff, emotions, baggage that I would really like to kept where it should be. In the past.
Sunday morning I wanted to get out of home. On a picnic. Away from my computer and hopefully mobile reception so we headed to an old abandoned ghost town not far from where we live. We packed the picnic basket, loaded the kids in the car, cranked some music and headed into the countryside. We drove and drove following signs and terrible windy, bumpy dirt roads until we almost got to the town only to be confronted with signs “PRIVATE PROPERTY. KEEP OUT” and one little lone road headed into the ghost town. Rob stopped. Should we go in? Daisy panicked and said she most definitely did NOT want to go in and we decided after 10 mins, that we would turn around. No one was wanted in that ghost town. You could take the road if you wanted, at your own risk.
Yesterday an article was published about blogger’s. When I was asked to take part in it in January I was excited, and of course flattered. My ego was boosted – someone in a BIG paper wanted to know about me! About my blog! About what I do! I had an existing relationship with the author through a meeting in my book club last year and then over twitter. She said she read my blog and I believed her. The article was positioned in a way that it would talk about my chicken soup. You know the noodle soup one? Plenty of people made it and she wanted to talk about that, about the sharing community of blogging, about the strength of blogger’s who put it out there into the big bad world. We spoke for almost 40 minutes, about plenty of things and a small section about my past, which I over shared with her (because I am a blogger and that’s what we do) and always expect the best in people, and I was shocked and embarrassed that that 2 minute part of my interview was ALL that was covered. My words, in inverted commas, mocked me on the page and I felt instantly sick thinking of the ramifications of her putting them there. Those words. Those were people, real people. With feelings, and privacy and they MOCKED me and my blog and what I do. Each and every time I write on my blog, especially when I am writing about other stories, I ensure 100% that I tell MY story. About how a particular event affected ME and my words are carefully chosen. They are considered, pondered on. I hope I am getting better at this and I know in the past that I too have made those mistakes. But I’m getting better with my words, trying each and every day with new posts. Those words were not. They were are a drama! A journo’s dream I suppose and I was ashamed that my picture even sat next to them. They make me sick. I hate those stupid words.
Those words hurt real people in my family who I love. People I have worked REALLY hard at having a relationship with over the past 18 years despite many obstacles. Those words have probably changed my standing with people forever and for that I am deeply ashamed and apologetic. I would NEVER, not ever, intentionally hurt people in that way. I am a good person, and despite my different ways to most people, of talking about most things, well, I do have tact. I do know right from wrong and that was wrong. I am angry with the author for using a cheap angle to sell my story to many people, more people than I could ever dream of having read my blog. My blog is more than that. It’s about life and love and simple joys. Of recipes and photos and colour and light. Not drama, and old wounds for the sake of a story. It’s just not. It’s more than that and it IS something. It deserved more than that.
So, today I’ll try and pick up the pieces and come back down that road that no one really wants to revisit. The past. I’ll say I’m sorry, keep doing what I do, and learn from my mistakes. Today will be better, next week more so and hopefully in a few months time it will be a bad memory. I truly hope so, although I fear it’s not as easy as just waking up from a bad dream and starting a new day. If only it were that simple.