I have spent all year asking the same stupid questions that Rob pointed out to me last week when I was crying and asking the same question again, that there are no answers for. Things like:
“Why don’t our children SLEEP?”
“How can she be awake?”
“How on earth can she be happy on NO SLEEP?”
“How is it time for School pick up ALREADY?”
“Why did we get the children that DON’T SLEEP?”
“Why do I have a mother fucking cold sore now as well?!”
“Why is this happening to us?”
And he’s right. Again. Bastard.
There are no answers. None. And the more I keep asking myself the questions, the more upset I seem to get. I just can’t seem to stop the questions, the endless self doubt, spring to mind as soon as things don’t go to (my stupidly crafted not thought about) plan. Life goes on and I seem to be stuck in this cycle of what’s and how’s and WHY’S and pity parties for me, and us, and for my kids. It’s time to move on. Again. Let it be. Just let it be. How many times have I written that this year? I’m like a broken record.
Days are whizzing by round here and we have only a few weeks to go before Easter is here, and our first School term behind us. The days are filled with trying to get Harper to sleep, and then awake again so she can go to sleep again (or not) at night. They are filled with washing, and chores, and driving to swimming, or ballet or hockey, rushed dinners and homework only to start the whole thing over the next day. Just being a stay at home Mum I suppose? It’s been a really crappy start to the year for us, and I’m looking forward to the break in School to gather my mind from the millions of pieces scattered everywhere and try and focus on some positives, try to enjoy ourselves again. I miss feeling happy. And rested. And like me. I miss me.
Next week I have 4 whole nights away from my family. I am heading to Sydney on Wednesday night for a soiree and then Thursday I fly down to Melbourne for 3 nights for the Digital Parents Conference. To say I am looking forward to this break, well, that would be an understatement. I’m desperate for the break. You know that show “Girls gone wild” or something similar? That’s going to me. Mummy blogger gone wild. I might even flash my tits, or not. I can’t wait for some time away from my kids. Yes, I said that. From being a Mum. And wife. I feel like it’s all I’ve been doing for many, many months. Sure there might be a few hours here and there, but I am going to completely soak up distance, and peace, and sleep and being an adult around some fairly spectacular company. I can’t wait to go to bed and know that the only thing that will wake me will be my stupid inevitable anxiety about being away from my kids. I can’t wait to laugh, really laugh and have some motherfucking fun. It’s been the light at my very long and dark tunnel so far this year and I am lucky enough to have a supportive kickarse husband who gets it and will smile and send me off while I’m sure he will be saying under his breath “lucky mole”. When I return next Sunday I will be desperate to see the girls and Rob, no doubts, and that will last for approx 3.5 minutes before I lose my patience with them all again, but I hope in those days I find a little more patience, a little of the old me, and some peace. Some resignation. A little let it be perhaps…? And a new lease of life ready to tackle term 2 and all that will bring.
And if you are coming along to the conference too make sure you come and say hi OK? I’ll be the one flashing my tits and shouting inappropriate things to the crowds. Don’t judge me…it’s been a tough start to the year…