Questions that don’t have answers

I have spent all year asking the same stupid questions that Rob pointed out to me last week when I was crying and asking the same question again, that there are no answers for. Things like:

“Why don’t our children SLEEP?”
“How can she be awake?”
“How on earth can she be happy on NO SLEEP?”
“How is it time for School pick up ALREADY?”
“Why did we get the children that DON’T SLEEP?”
“Why do I have a mother fucking cold sore now as well?!”
“Why is this happening to us?”

And he’s right. Again. Bastard.

There are no answers. None. And the more I keep asking myself the questions, the more upset I seem to get. I just can’t seem to stop the questions, the endless self doubt, spring to mind as soon as things don’t go to (my stupidly crafted not thought about) plan. Life goes on and I seem to be stuck in this cycle of what’s and how’s and WHY’S and pity parties for me, and us, and for my kids. It’s time to move on. Again. Let it be. Just let it be. How many times have I written that this year? I’m like a broken record.

Days are whizzing by round here and we have only a few weeks to go before Easter is here, and our first School term behind us. The days are filled with trying to get Harper to sleep, and then awake again so she can go to sleep again (or not) at night. They are filled with washing, and chores, and driving to swimming, or ballet or hockey, rushed dinners and homework only to start the whole thing over the next day. Just being a stay at home Mum I suppose? It’s been a really crappy start to the year for us, and I’m looking forward to the break in School to gather my mind from the millions of pieces scattered everywhere and try and focus on some positives, try to enjoy ourselves again. I miss feeling happy. And rested. And like me. I miss me.

Next week I have 4 whole nights away from my family. I am heading to Sydney on Wednesday night for a soiree and then Thursday I fly down to Melbourne for 3 nights for the Digital Parents Conference. To say I am looking forward to this break, well, that would be an understatement. I’m desperate for the break. You know that show “Girls gone wild” or something similar? That’s going to me. Mummy blogger gone wild. I might even flash my tits, or not. I can’t wait for some time away from my kids. Yes, I said that. From being a Mum. And wife. I feel like it’s all I’ve been doing for many, many months. Sure there might be a few hours here and there, but I am going to completely soak up distance, and peace, and sleep and being an adult around some fairly spectacular company. I can’t wait to go to bed and know that the only thing that will wake me will be my stupid inevitable anxiety about being away from my kids. I can’t wait to laugh, really laugh and have some motherfucking fun. It’s been the light at my very long and dark tunnel so far this year and I am lucky enough to have a supportive kickarse husband who gets it and   will smile and send me off while I’m sure he will be saying under his breath “lucky mole”. When I return next Sunday I will be desperate to see the girls and Rob, no doubts, and that will last for approx 3.5 minutes before I lose my patience with them all again, but I hope in those days I find a little more patience, a little of the old me, and some peace. Some resignation. A little let it be perhaps…? And a new lease of life ready to tackle term 2 and all that will bring.

And if you are coming along to the conference too make sure you come and say hi OK? I’ll be the one flashing my tits and shouting inappropriate things to the crowds. Don’t judge me…it’s been a tough start to the year…

Comments

  1. We would never judge you. You really deserve a break and a rest, so enjoy and don’t feel guilty.

  2. Unfortunately I won’t be attending but I pray to god someone tweets/instagram that moment. You deserve a good knees up as Nan used to say x

  3. It’s been a very strange start to the year hasn’t it!?! I am thrilled you are going to be there next weekend, I am looking forward to finding you and peer pressuring you into sneaking off for a cheeky smoke break with me!

  4. Enjoy your break! You deserve it. I am just quietly very jealous…I had an hour away from my three the other day and was in heaven.

  5. You know, I’d come to the DPC just to see your tits.

    No, Really.

    Shame I’m not going now. A REAL shame!

    Have a ball. Sounds like you deserve it. xx

  6. You go girl! I love that you write from the heart as there is so much ‘motherfucking’ pressure to be the perfect mums these days that never admit that sometimes life sucks and being a mum is hard. You rock Beth! Have fun flashing and shouting obscenities! X

  7. Anonymous says:

    I am switching off from reading your blog now….I feel frustrated every time I read a new post and want to shake you.You are one of the luckiest women I know of. I wish I could be a stay at home, with a husband that earned enough to pay for a cleaner and the various activities you do, in the house you are in and with the support you seem to have. I would take that on… sleepless nights and all… But all I read is how hard it all is…I hope you start to see the silver lining.

    • I DO see the silver lining. Every day. Don’t you think I know how lucky I am? I do. And I think when I am not so sleep deprived and generally over it. I am the first to count my blessings and sing my luck to the world. I annoy MYSELF with my pity parties at the moment, don’t worry about that. I can’t frustrate you more than I frustrate me. Believe me. But it’s the truth, MY truth at the moment, and if it annoys you then good for you for tuning out. I would too!

    • In some ways I agree Anon – Beth does SEEM to have a wonderful life, and good for her! I love to hear about it all, and see the beautiful house and kids and hair and stuff, and won’t pretend that I don’t sigh with a little envy. BUT – everyones problems are relative to their situation & I would certainly find it challenging, even given all the wonderful stuff. I appreciate Beths honesty actually, put out there even at the risk of criticism about not being grateful.

  8. You need the break Beth. Go & sleep & drink & laugh & enjoy. Come back refreshed & ready to take it all on.

    Being a stay at home mum is boring & monotonous at times, so is being a working mum who’s husband does FIFO work. Don’t be ashamed for being bored or wanting a break, that’s totally ok & normal. I can hear that your over yourself right now but just remember your blog is yours to rant & rave & cry & swear all you want. If it helps you get through then that’s great ! I am hear to listen & dispense meaningless dribble anytime xx

    P. S flash your tits if you want, I’m sure nobody will mind :)

  9. I expect rather than the boob flashing you shall be asleep under a table catching up some rest.

    I promise not to draw silly things on your face!

  10. I for one cannot wait to say a proper hello to you Beth! I do understand the feeling of “losing me” in your life at the moment. Some distance. Sleep & a whole lotta fun with mates will see you “right side up” soon….
    Denyse x

  11. Enjoying life is hard when you are not getting proper sleep.

    Have you ever tried it Anon? Give it a try and tell us how you go?

    Everyone has their own demons to battle and whilst it may seem that Beth has this wonderful life parts of it suck for her and her battle is to get through this. Her outlet is her blog. Are you asking her to lie and sugar coat her life.

    I for one find it refreshing that her life is normal, that parts of it are shitty and it shits her beyond belief and she shares it.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I have…I am a mum of two BOTH with sleep apnea. I also married the man I loved who works in a job he loves but unfortunatly does not earn much money. So in turn I work and am trying to find a solution to our money situation through going to Uni full time…So I do understand running on pure exhaustion!

    I love Beth and her blog…I would love to swap for a little while even….Maybe it is my own life that was frusrating me that caused me to lash out and write that post…Either way I think we all agree how blessed she is and it doesnt hurt to try and find the good in things even when things look really shitty!!

    Have a fun 4 days away Beth, you deserve it! Xx

    • Thank you for taking the time to come back and write that – I truly appreciate it. I know I am lucky beyond belief, I’m tired and over emotional and I get EXACTLY what you mean. I am always looking at the positives…most of the time…thanks for the reminder at this time x

  13. I too have scabbed 3 nights away. This mumma needs a break and a tit flash x

  14. I for one love your pity parties, I love your honesty and the fact you speak from the heart. I wish I could, I worry about family reading it and booking me into the funny farm with PND for dare venting how I really feel (long but true story). Beth, you manage to say EXACTLY how I feel many times a week with no inhibitions and I love you for it. I wish I was coming to the conference as I’d get too drunk with you, shake my tits with you and take IG photos of us being Mums on a well deserved break, with no judgement. Anon, remember the grass is always greener. Being a SAHM is often dreamed about but I promise you, reality bites and it bites hard. At least have the balls to post under your true ID if you’re going to criticise.

  15. You so deserve this Beth. Enjoy the time. Even though you will miss them all like hell. x

  16. I know how you feel lady. Just today I was thinking how 2012 has started decidedly rough for me too. Some things more rough than others of course. But there has been good too, so I try not to get too hung up on the bad. In saying that, I so thoroughly enjoyed my 2 night’s out on the weekend with the gals. Sure I worked my arse off to get the boys prepped and settled before I left each night, BUT just dressing up, slapping on a bit of makeup and GETTING OUT was bliss. Enjoy those days off lady. They’re some pretty impressive booswakees to be flashing too, you’ll go viral for sure ;) xoxo

  17. I have a little mini-break coming up too and I can’t wait! I’ve been following your blog for a while and all I can say is thank God you’ll finally get some sleep, enjoy :)

  18. Beth I have 6 children, I love to read what you say because you are so open and honest.Please dont change that you say what I wish I could have said. I thankyou.

  19. Oh Beth!

    You need a seriously good belly laugh. I know that feeling so well. My sister is the only person who can make me laugh from my belly, but she’s in Scotland. And … I’m ashamed to admit this, but I have no idea how to use Skype!

    So anyway, I have literally just paid for flights to Sydney, & when I hit confirm, Dave said out loud,

    ‘you lucky mole’,

    Which is why I laughed out loud when I read this :)

    You’ve bloody earnt your ‘lucky mole’ status.

    Grab it by the balls!

    Three cheers for stay-at-home-Dad’s! (albeit, temporary ones)

    • Cherie, get ON BOARD with Skype. Can I teach you at the conference? You NEED to speak to your sister that way AND she NEEDS to see Max that way. Ok?!

  20. while you DO lead a truly fabulous life, even fabulousness can lose it’s shine some days to reveal it’s dull interior. it happens to the best of us. we could be living a brilliant existence but sometimes, that’s all the outside world sees, the brilliance of it, not the core which can be hard & tough & draining.

    no matter what your life, there will always be someone who craves what you have, where you live, what you do [or don't do] for work, how much money you have or how little you seem to live on.

    the dull posts have a home here, right alongside the shiny brilliant life ones – they need to coexist together, show the yin & yang, it makes you human, normal Beth, never apologise for that.

    enjoy your time away, it will do your soul wonders & you will come back refreshed & ready to tackle the world again.

    ~x~

  21. I am hearing you. Hear-ing you. I am having a girls weekend this Friday and I am counting down THE MINUTES!!!! Kiama here we come. Spa overlooking the beach, drinks, good friends and NO CHILDREN. NO HUSBAND.

    yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

    I am ignoring the niggle in my throat. nothing is stopping this weekend. NOTHING.

    Then the weekend after that I am reliving teenage dreams up in the hunter valley and seeing DURAN DURAN. yes indeed.

    It’s been a long time coming.

  22. Live it up, Beth.
    Live it up.
    Oh – and sleep the beautiful sleep of a drunken woman whose tits set off a frenzy.
    (Not that I’d know anything about that!!!)
    :-) xxx

  23. I’d keep them in. With so many bloggers around who knows where they might end up? Seriously, enjoy the break, get some sleep, get some perspective and have some fun. My first marriage ended over lack of sleep so believe me when I say nurture yourself, give yourself you a break and take whatever help comes. Ten years in broken sleep is still a reality but at least not so constant and life is mostly good. I’m happy with that!

  24. You is one funny lady, lady.

    Have a wonderful time. Kick your heels up, have fun, create mischief and let wild. I can’t wait to hear about it on the flipside. x

  25. Your such a cracker Beth – I hope your few days is damn fantastic … tits and all!

  26. YES! This post excites me. Not reading about how hard this year has been, because I know how hard it’s been for you all.

    Enjoy that big hotel bed, all to yourself. Enjoy room service. Enjoy champagne, at the airport, at the hotel, every chance you get. Enjoy sleep-ins. Enjoy the quiet. Enjoy long hot showers. Enjoy laughing with friends and making new ones.

    I look forward to reading about your southern adventures next week.

    x

  27. It’s sad to me that you can ‘see’ how tired/exhausted/overwhelmed you are but you can’t seem to see that going on a blogger bender may actually make your physical state worse…isn’t there time for you to flash your no doubt fabulous tits next year when you are through this difficult period? Attending this conference may seem like a good idea to you but having experienced depression (and in my opinion you are verging on this) rest and recharging is in order….is it that as an extrovert you need all those other bloggers to validate that you’re fantastic (clearly your readers see you as such)?
    Please take this as a caution not a criticism per se :)
    I admire anon for her honesty and am putting my name to this in her honour.

    • Thanks Liz…no criticism taken, I appreciate your advice! There is no validation required from me here – I really just want a chance to catch up with some old friends, make some new and learn how I can make my blog an even better place to be for my readers. Whilst I talk of benders (as ever my tongue is firmly placed in my cheeky cheek) I can assure you I will be getting more rest than I would be round these parts and I think that some distance and space will be better for my mental wellbeing. Again I appreciate both the sound advice AND you putting your name to it. Thank you!

  28. Have an awesome break Beth! You know I have two great sleepers, and even I nod at your blog post today. Somedays I am just over everything. Your blog (and Mrs Woog’s) keep me sane. Seriously. In a world of Mumupmanship, I relate to the shitty shitawful times.
    You go girl. Come back with a vlog please. Xx
    LizzyD

  29. Dude, BRING IT ON. I can not wait. I’ve had to bring my return flight forward a day because having eleventy gagillion children means people aren’t so keen to look after them for me. I KNOW. SO RUDE. But I can NOT wait either.

  30. Anonymous says:

    I’m not the same Anon – I just don’t know how to use any of the other profiles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason – one day you will sleep – keep up the photos and documentation – helps to focus on the good stuff.
    None of that is why I opened comments – at the Dr yesterday she prescribed a new cold sore medication for my next outbreak – apparently nips it in the bud and lessens the frequency of future outbreaks – I have no more knowledge of it than that (plus not on PBS and pregnancy class B) I’m just a bit worn down love what we do but it’s exhausting Mum who wishes she could kiss her kids today

  31. Have a wonderful break, Melbourne is awesome. Indulge in everything you possible can, including sleep!

  32. This post made me laugh and cry all at the same time. As mums we are depended on 24 hours, we try and keep happy households, we think of everybody else first and foremost. For me, I try and run a business, look after the kids, clean the house, converse with my husband, do the washing blah blah blah. Everybody wants a piece of me. There is no time left for me. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, enjoy your break. You deserve it. Don’t feel bad about it. Live it up. Flash your tits. Get drunk. Sleep all day. Breathe.

  33. wow wow wow!! Have an awesome time honey! I wish I was tagging along so that I could meet some of you fabulous ladies. Maybe next time. I think you DESERVE a break and I think that you have EVERY RIGHT to share your feelings on how you are coping with the world on YOUR OWN blog. You go girl. Don’t hold back (gee, I don’t!) I think its a form of release, and your support network is right here along for the journey xxx

  34. Look forward to meeting you!!

  35. Oh god I get the sleep deprivation thing, and on top of it all throw in a cold sore, to register on my face exactly HOW tired I really am! Thankfully I’m having a good week.
    Enjoy the break. Maybe you get a g&t and tapas?!

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