Rob went to Daisy’s first Parent information evening last night. You know, just to get a run down on what they will be learning this term and how their first week has been so far. Can report that all is well and she has settled into School life well. Her writing is coming along but she does have a penchant for the full stop. Rob said she must be reading my blog. What? Sometimes you have to use a full stop often to make. A. Point. You know?
Got me thinking though. Dangerous huh?
I gotta start using some more full stops in my life right now. It’s a shitty time no doubts, but it’s just sleep. It could be worse. There will be worse to come. Yesterday was a really, really, really bad day. I can’t remember a day as bad in all my parenting career, which is kind of strange to me because I know I have been in worse moments, but my reaction to it was an all time low. The last time I remember feeling like that was when I was depressed in 1999 or 2000. I let the black cloud that has been sitting there, threatening over there to the side, envelop me. I let self doubt take over. I let self loathing settle in. I let failure of everything to do with sleep sit squarely on my shoulders. I had a shower for 20 minutes and gasped for air through big, heaving sobs. I cried and cried and cried. It felt good to cry. I was miserable to be around. I wallowed in the shittyness of our current situation. I drew into myself. I was a motherfucking misery. And I can only apologise to my mother in law who was here for a visit that she had to witness it all. Sorry.
That was yesterday. There is a full stop there. While I’m not going to put up some motivational crap about how today is a new day, after a few good hours sleep, I feel like it is. A new day and all that. We’ll make adjustments to certain parts of parenting that are “not OK” by my weird standards because things are not normal right now. Daisy is adjusting to school. And Harper has sleep apnoea. We will make do and stumble through and if a few weeks post op, things are still bad, then I can get really depressed. I’m going to stop being so hard on myself. I’ll give it a crack anyway. And in a years time, hopefully even a few months time, we’ll look back at this time, shudder, laugh and move on.
Full stops. It’s where it’s at this Friday morning. That, and coffee and all kinds of baked goods. I appear to be channeling my lack of sleep and sadness into baked goods – banana bread, lemon syrup cake. It’s not good for my gut, but it’s good for my soul.