Yesterday is done.

Rob went to Daisy’s first Parent information evening last night. You know, just to get a run down on what they will be learning this term and how their first week has been so far. Can report that all is well and she has settled into School life well. Her writing is coming along but she does have a penchant for the full stop. Rob said she must be reading my blog. What? Sometimes you have to use a full stop often to make. A. Point. You know?

Got me thinking though. Dangerous huh?

I gotta start using some more full stops in my life right now. It’s a shitty time no doubts, but it’s just sleep. It could be worse. There will be worse to come. Yesterday was a really, really, really bad day. I can’t remember a day as bad in all my parenting career, which is kind of strange to me because I know I have been in worse moments, but my reaction to it was an all time low. The last time I remember feeling like that was when I was depressed in 1999 or 2000. I let the black cloud that has been sitting there, threatening over there to the side, envelop me. I let self doubt take over. I let self loathing settle in. I let failure of everything to do with sleep sit squarely on my shoulders. I had a shower for 20 minutes and gasped for air through big, heaving sobs. I cried and cried and cried. It felt good to cry. I was miserable to be around. I wallowed in the shittyness of our current situation. I drew into myself. I was a motherfucking misery. And I can only apologise to my mother in law who was here for a visit that she had to witness it all. Sorry.

But.

That was yesterday. There is a full stop there. While I’m not going to put up some motivational crap about how today is a new day, after a few good hours sleep, I feel like it is. A new day and all that. We’ll make adjustments to certain parts of parenting that are “not OK” by my weird standards because things are not normal right now. Daisy is adjusting to school. And Harper has sleep apnoea. We will make do and stumble through and if a few weeks post op, things are still bad, then I can get really depressed. I’m going to stop being so hard on myself. I’ll give it a crack anyway. And in a years time, hopefully even a few months time, we’ll look back at this time, shudder, laugh and move on.

Full stops. It’s where it’s at this Friday morning. That, and coffee and all kinds of baked goods. I appear to be channeling my lack of sleep and sadness into baked goods – banana bread, lemon syrup cake. It’s not good for my gut, but it’s good for my soul.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08421916141889047331 Jen R

    Yay to full stops and baking, have a good weekend lov xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04659789458460830707 Cherie @ ‘a baby called Max’

    I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m on the sidelines, just rooting for you!

    Give me a B, give me an E, give me a T, give me a H.

    That sort of jazz.

    But I really am.

    I love a good heave in the shower. It’s therapeutic.

    I’m so sorry you’ve been so low, & at the risk of sounding Tony Robbins motivational, it really is only upwards from those low’s.

    So much love to you. Seriously xx

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      I can hear that cheering Cherie, I really can! Thank you x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17531986209823260341 Amelia

    Mate, it’s something in the air. We have some super unsettled babes on our hands too. A week of 4 hours sleep has turned me into zombie mama. I am over this fucking shiiiiit. However, like you, I have been making up for the misery with hot comfort dinners (the more mash the better) and over indulgent sweet treats. I fear if this horrendous sleep cycle does not come to an end soon I will start to resemble the shape of a house.
    Sending over mucho love x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06124224647059797583 kim at allconsuming

    Baking makes everything better.

  • Sarah Cullen

    Hun my son had sleep apnea and two weeka after his operation after 5 years of no sleep…He slept! All the way through! No prompting him to bed! No fighting! Just pure sleep….I hope this gives you hope…Goodluck <3

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      I’m trying not to think about these miracle stories I keep hearing, just so my heart doesn’t completely break when it doesn’t happen to us. But thank you for sharing, secretly I am hoping this happens to us! I’m so glad it worked out for you guys.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09334181966209041832 Corinne – Daze of My Life

    No advice, just hugs, my friend. It can only get better. xxxxx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11937511046069347576 edenland

    Bake away, baby.

    I have had my fair share of Rocco’s sleeping BULLSHIT and it coloured everything, everything in my life. And It. Was. Bullshit. Full. Stop.

    You are a gorgeous minx, even when you don’t know it.

    XXXXXXXX

  • LizzyD

    These teachers need to get with the now. Full stops are great and should be used when we fancy.
    Thinking of you this week.
    Have a lemon tart for me. With cream.
    Lizzy xx

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      Done. Any excuse.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13616675219337567777 La De Dah

    Your brutal honesty and courage is amazing . We have two boys and had huge issues with sleep , sleep apnea and grommets .I know whilst they are not fighting life threatening illness people dismiss the effect that no sleep has. The sleep deprivation day in day out is taxing on yourself and the whole family . Hang in there the operations changed our life and our kids . Thanks again for your honesty .

  • Kris

    Mmm…baked goods make such lovely friends. Always there when you need them…even if they do talk behind my back…and my butt and my thighs and my tuck shop arms (when did that happen!?)

    You take Harper in one room and your hubby takes Daisy in another and settle in the one bed all night for the next month or so. You are trying to fix a problem that cannot be fixed right now and that is just silly business. All of you get sleep where and when you can. Regroup in a month when you have a real chance at fixing the problem….that’s my assvice.

    When mine all started sleeping through I could not believe what a different person I was. I could go grocery shopping and to the bank all in one day and it didn’t seem like some overwhelming task that left me pondering just how other people managed it. They had slept the night before. Oh I see… a revelation. You get so used to functioning on nothing and all reason and judgement just goes out the window. Suddenly a toddler being mischievous and getting into the flour can be kind of delightful and fun and prompt you to pick up the camera for a classic shot. On no sleep it leaves you gasping for air because you just basically rough-housed them to their room with the mother death grip on the upper arm, screamed things you never imagined yourself capable of and had you wondering if you could just close the door to the house and leave. All while feeling like the shittiest person on the planet because you have been so blessed to have the rotters. The rotters you beyond adore and make life worth living. It’s a wonder we aren’t committed in these early parenting years.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      Yes. Yes. YES. What you said. Bring on the revelation!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15086980189762813286 [Good Mum Hunting]

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM&ob=av2e

    Perhaps Wilson Phillips can help today? Turn it up and SING!

    Enjoy those yummy treats, they are well deserved.

    I agree with Kris, how are parents not insane in these first few years?

    Hang in there kitty. The operation is booked.

    xx

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      Love it!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16423155273754490984 Something Gorgeous

    I love your honesty. Yes life can be shit, but it can also be good. Sometimes we mums just have to suck it up and keep going. Hang in there. x

  • Anonymous

    Beth , hang in there – and be kind to yourself. It will get better xoxoxEmma

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05057437682636245835 Sarah Korol

    That’s the spirit – one day done means one day closer to Harper’s operation and life returning to normal. It probably feels like it’s miles away but we’re all here to wait it out with you!

    Thank you for sharing and being so open about it. My kids are older now and past all that sleep/no sleep BS but I still remember it like it was YESTERDAY.

    Hang in there, doll. The end of sleep depravation is in sight. *hugs*

  • http://www.thisbloominglife.com/ alison@thisbloominglife

    I’ve been dropping by this week and feeling your pain…having absolutely no useful advice I’ve sat here in silence. No sleep sucks, it colours your world so very very dark, I’ve been there, done that and it makes me anxious even thinking about it. I’m trying to deal with chaos by focusing on the world it small little snippets, but baking sounds a mighty fine solution to. Go Bev and here’s to a good weekend full.stop.

  • Anonymous

    Your post made me cry, but that’s because it’s insightful…oh, and because sleep deprivation is doing my head in too. I love my 6-month old with a passion but it’s hard to be chipper and smiley when all I want to do is lie down and shut down.

    We are surviving, which is not quite as fun as living but it’ll do for now. Thanks for your honesty. I know misery loves company but it at least makes me realise that I’m not alone. Please be kinder to yourself and I promise I will too.

    Natalie x

    P.S. Baked goods are the shiz.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      Oh Natalie, my fellow sleep deprived Mama. Hang in there, and yes, let’s make sure we are kind to each other. It’s an order OK?!

  • Anonymous

    Feel for your with the sleep, everything harder when you are beyond tired and takes the fun out of mothering sometimes. Know a few kids who have had the same op…. Said recovery pretty nasty and harder than expected so be prepared! But few months in and sleep improved a lot, six months on, he sleeps through the night and actually sleeps in most days !!!

  • Anna Phelps

    I love reading your blog Beth and I haven’t written before. I love all the photos of the beautiful family, stunning house, fresh air and flowers and amazing food and wine. I hope you can breathe it all in today and breathe out some bad air. Lack of sleep sucks. I know. I have been there.
    Hope you can call on a mum / mum in law / friend etc to stay for a few nights and maybe you can stay somewhere else so you get a few good nights sleep. Then all will be better. At least for a day. Day by day. Anna x

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      Thanks Anna x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06407388573417565784 mum/toddler/babe – virginia

    Oh Beth, big hugs…..And do the banana bread and lemon cake. I did yesterday, and I tell you what? That lemon cake was perfect at about 11pm last night before I hit the sack for the most interrupted sleep I’ve had in a while. And the banana bread this morning made me feel better too. xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18133173713045801244 vancybec

    dude, shower cries? best. cries. going. round.
    full stops are totally where it is at. remember yesterday is for before, tomorrow is for later, today is now. live for now. deal with now. and let the laters and the befores wash over you (you know, in the shower. that’s what shower cries are all about). and if all else fails, and you forget about the laters, befores and blah blahs – stuff it, bake and eat – cos nothing makes the soul sing like a fucking cake in the oven!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09393571810604343918 Veggie Mama

    I need posts like these last two. Thank you xx

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      You are SO welcome. It’s not all sunshine and lollypops, best to mention that from time to time x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02966923675711158752 Lauren

    i just watched ‘hold on’ by wilson phillips that [Good Mum Hunting] recommended. how bouncy is chynna phillips’ hair?

    seriously though. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. it may look much further away on some days, but it’s there. there will be light. the problem with motherhood is that there are wonderful joyous days, but on the other end of the spectrum are the shitty days where you feel like you just want to bury your head in the sand and never come out again. i have my fingers crossed for you all that the op is your saviour and you will have wonderful sleep filled nights EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Full. Stop.

    big hugs being sent your way x

    P.S. sugar filled baked goods make everything better x

  • Paula -skinnyflatwhite

    Please buy a mock cream neenish tart to cheer yourself up. And, um, one for me… Hang in there.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      Oh THEY are my favourite, and my best. Clearly we have discussed this before. Done.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12173085007473641503 Down that Little Lane

    you look after that soul and the rest will look after itself x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02743336097657087832 Jane

    Oh mate, I really feel for you. I have been down that path so often that I can’t remember the last time I had a proper sleep in 6.5 years now. Chronic, life-sucking sleep deprivation, overnight hospital sleep studies, 4 ENT operations for 2 of the pixies within 3 years, residential stays at Tresillian and 3 months in the Hobart Mother Baby Unit…I could go on but won’t. It’s so painful a topic, I haven’t been able to summons the energy to post about it. So I totally *get* where you’re at and hope you see a pinprick of light soon. Email me if you want, Beth – I’ll listen. J x

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      Oh Jane! That’s JUST it. Anyone who has been through it badly, it’s what you say SO PAINFUL that you don’t even want to think about it to write about it. Thank you x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15761220164069379437 Maxabella

    I get it, I’m with you, I wish you weren’t having to go through this.

    Can one of you sleep in the shed every other night? With white noise on? And a drug of some kind? x

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15761220164069379437 Maxabella

      Not the kids of course! You and Rob. Just thought I should make that clear. Clear. Fullstop. x

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02005492484650666091 BabyMac

      That sounds like SO much fun. Seriously. I want drugs in the shed with white noise AND Rob!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06333858903359349225 Deb

    i read somewhere recently that if everyone in the world put all their troubles in a pile, you would grab your own and run like hell. So yes, there are always people worse off than you, sometimes you just dont see if for the shit.

    hearing you and having sympathy drinks. yes. just for you. not at ALL because it was my first week back at school and I’m knackered and need to decompress, that I already want to kill people and throttle one child who thinks that rolling his eyes at me when I ask him to do something is going to fly.

    only for you. :P

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13151973819133926868 Mama of 2 boys

    It’s such a bloody rollercoaster this parenting thing. It is awesome that you can articulate it so well lady. I am certain you will look back on this time and well… maybe even scoff at it a bit. Always worse when you’re in the thick of it xoxo

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09205721394366642669 Vanessa

    Hello Beth, nice to meet you. I read this post and felt I had to comment. I’m in the same sort of boat. My little boy is almost 14 months and it’s been that long since I slept more than two hours at a time. It ruins you. Some days I think I’m getting used to it, and other days I feel like I’m heading ‘down’ again into a deep dark hole where I want to shut the world out. I’m learning to accept my little boy and this stage of his life, and I’m learning to be less of a perfectionist about things. My eldest didn’t go to family daycare till he was 2, but I’m OK with my little boy going now (for the last few weeks), because I need me time. I need to switch off, and I need to be on my own. It keeps me going through the nights. And if that doesn’t work, a fridge full of my favourite cheeses, some Maggie Beer ice cream and good dark chocolate will lift me a little.