Seeker

I used to live with this man. We were together for many years until the day, when all of a sudden I left him. Just like that.

For months, it could have even been longer than that, he had a “friendship” with this young girl who he was associated with through work. Like any teenage girl who is insecure and trying to find her way in the world she looked up to him. Idolised him. And adored him. I hated her. I hated her mostly because she was a version of me, I wanted to slap her and say “Don’t waste your time here. You are better than this 25 year old boy who is getting a kick out of having someone idolise him for a change.” I had been that teenage girl, instead of believing of what was inside, which was more than good enough, I searched for it in boys. In men. In anyone who would make me feel wanted. Special. Even if just for a few hours. Stupid girl. Stupid me.

The friendly text messages became more often. I found myself distrustful. Doubting. Wondering. When he would get home from work and hop in the shower, I would check his phone. I memorised her number. This stupid girl’s number. I scoured through his phone bills (that were incidentally in my name and being paid by me) and saw tens of calls to her in any given week. I questioned. I wondered. I doubted. I fought. For truth. Just an answer. All the while sick with wonder and doubt and distrust in my partner and myself. That mother fucker. Making me doubt myself. It ate me up. Consumed me. Suffocated our lounge room, our time in the car, our home. My biggest regret about it? About all of it? I never heard the truth. I couldn’t live with myself sitting around and hoping for it.

My Dad had an affair with a family friend while he was married to my mother. She is now my step mother and after many, many years we all have a wonderful relationship together. I love them both, dearly. Not long after he left my mother I begged him for the truth. For me sure, but for my mother. An answer. The truth. Something, just to fucking man up and tell the goddamn truth. I gave him an ultimatum to tell me the truth, or not have a relationship with him. He chose the lies, they were so familiar I suppose. I’m not sure how long I didn’t speak to him for after that. I think it was 6 months, it could have been weeks. I am stubborn and fiery and look out if you get in my way. But give me your heart? Your honour? I will walk over broken glass for you. Before too long the sadness and anger just made me tired. It took a whole lot of energy to be that angry with someone all the time. Eventually I sucked it up because I wanted a Dad in my life, as broken as a father figure as he was, than no father at all.

I am desperately, constantly seeking the truth in my world. I need it, just like I need oxygen or pork. If you don’t like my dinner, tell me. Tell me. If you think I am wrong about something. Tell me. If I have upset you in some way, tell me. Let me make it better.

Talk. About. It.

Is it messy? And uncomfortable? And hard? Of course it is. But it’s real. It’s the truth. I know all about not knowing. I know how hard it can be. I know the questions and doubts that make a person sick to the stomach. The wondering. The sheer mind fuckery that comes from someone holding something over you because they are weak and they cannot face the truth.

I hope for any of you out there currently seeking the truth, that you find it. And take comfort in it. It will set you free.

Comments

  1. Oh honey, I am having that very sort of day today. I need some answers too, I need something!!! I am feeling all sorts of ‘meh’ at the moment. I do not know whether it is tiredness or the realisation that i need a kick in the ass to become a little more appreciative and inspired in my life. I am craving that kind of something, that truth kind of something.

    Thanks for delving into my deep thought today, and sharing a little bit of my frustration.

    X

  2. My dad also had an affair and left my mum when I was 6.

    I am holding one of my best friends hands right now whose partner of 19 years and father of their two little girls, packed up and moved out to be with his 26 year old girlfriend. He is nearly 40.

    I can understand falling out of love with someone. But I cannot understand lying.

    Great post xx

  3. Lying is such a futile, weak and damaging exercise. Just tell the god darn truth. Release the poison. Lying is such a failure. x

  4. Wow. I could have written the second part of this post. My dad had so many affairs. I stopped talking to him. And then last year I was exhausted by the silence. He’s now married to someone younger than me. I just decided to stop thinking, processing and analyzing.

    Thanks for sharing Beth. x

  5. Great post. I’m a hater of the lies, but perhaps more so the lying by OMISSION. Hate that. You can be going along happily not knowing that you didn’t ask the right question to get the answer that would change your life/situation/relationship. Then there’s the conflict avoidance. Hate it. I’m not 100% comfortable with conflict, but avoid it in my presence and you will be driving me insane. x

  6. Beth-
    i LOVE this post.
    so powerful.
    to live with HONESTY & TRUTH is what i strive for each & every day.
    it takes courage & guts & effort.
    Lying is a coward’s business.
    I LOVE your courage babe. The fact that you had the balls to walk away.
    And the fact that you need truth as much as you need Pork. That says it all.
    What’s not to love?!
    xx

  7. If someone lies to me, I actually … can’t respect them for a very long time (if at all again).

    Lies are life wasting. Personality destroying. Relationship consuming. And just so poisonous.

    For me, I have truth in my marriage that some people get irked by. We tell each other everything. And maybe we come across a little blunt to others? But my god, the freedom our truth gives my husband & I sets us free on a daily basis. So I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    I hate people who beat around the bush.

    And I think that’s why I don’t have huge success with the female friendship dynamic. Too many wankers beating around the bush too gutless to tell me when I’ve done something wrong.

    Because like you, that’s all I ever want to know. So I can fix it, & change :)

    I hope Rob gives you the kind of truth you were seeking in life after such a dishonest ex :)

    You’re such a good person. I’ve never met you. But it just … exudes from each of your posts.

    The honesty of you :)

  8. The lies!

    I can not cope with the lies.

    Never had an issue with my parents, but friends and partners.

    It ruins everything. Lies are just selfish.

  9. What a great post. I too am a truth seeker, I have an overwhelming need to know what’s going on in people’s heads. It’s really all I ask of my husband and looking back it’s why I fell in love with him – his open, honest approach to our relationship was so refreshing and he seemed solid as a rock after the ones who came before him – wishy-washy truth-dodging men.
    Lying to the people you love is not an option.

  10. Awesome stuff Beth. I too searched for stuff in boys instead of thinking I was good enough without them. Made some VERY STUPID choices because of that, including settling for someone who made me feel wanted (and up till that point, that was a very rare thing) but was SO NOT me.
    Life’s good now … and I am me. And I’m happy being me. I’m truthful to myself.

  11. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.
    Yep, yep and yep.

    I don’t do ‘lying’ and ‘liars’.
    I did, it was hell, now I don’t.

    Brilliant post.
    :-)

  12. ah the truth, finally. it makes sense now. and fuck, it really does makes sense doesn’t it, the truth, always, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how shit it is, all we have is the truth. so here is my truth for today, i don’t like pork beth. in fact, any kind of product of pig is off my menu. can we still be friends? xx

  13. I love this! It’s how I live my life, I am always saying “Just tell me the truth, I may not like it but I can promise you I will be more hurt, more angry if you lie to me about it.” How I ended up with a compulsive liar is beyond me, but it hurts my heart.

    I sometimes cop a lot because I am too honest. I don’t go forth spilling my beans to everyone, but when confronted, when asked I don’t spin some bullshit, I say what I think. It can make people who don’t know me and my heart very upset, maybe judged when I don’t agree? But it’s who I am. You will always know where you stand with me because of it. And, you will always know that you can trust what I’m saying. I don’t give a compliment just to be nice or for something to say, I say it because I mean it.

    I have had a lot of boyfriends over the years that have been rough. One openly dated me just to get closer to my little sister! I can’t even describe another who was the biggest slimeball I have ever come across in my life. He had a lot to learn about life when we parted ways after a short time dating and many years following of friendship. I’ve been the cheater, in a long term relationship, many times I cheated, and was very open about it to my boyfriend. He never left me, in the end I left him. I wish I would have been better to him. I’ve also been cheated on, because the next guy I dated I was open about still being in love with my ex that I had cheated on.
    Life is complicated enough without the bullshit and lies. I wish more people could be upfront and honest.

  14. I have the truth…..the truth is that my ex won’t AT ALL participate in the care of his daughter , his severely disabled daughter. What do you do with the truth when it smacks you in the face like this? It’s not a new truth I known and lived it for years. I think what the truth has done to me is to manifest itself into health issues that are taking their toll on my body. Oh and waves to the ex and his new bride as they holiday in Vietnam/New Zealand/Europe.

  15. Goosebumps and fistbumps to this post.

    WOW.

    I want to hang with Truthseekers. I want to hang with you.

    XX

  16. Fark yeah! Great post.
    I don’t think I have ever been lied to in a big way but I have had to dig for the truth and I have sometimes found it in awful places.
    I am obsessed with the straight up, no messing around truth. I don’t like surprises. I need to know.

  17. Great post. If we all talked as straight as you wrote this post there’d be no room for misunderstanding.

  18. It would be exhausting to always be seeking the truth. The bottom line is it’s their truth: your boyfriend’s, your father’s and whoever is eating your meal.
    Why don’t you try finding your own truth and leave everyone else be?! Life is much simpler this way. “Acceptance of how things are” is a much easier path to follow. I have found a lot more peace of mind this way.

  19. Truth? Mmmm, after many MANY years I have finally worked out, the only truth that will ever satisfy me is my own. I can’t make others reveal theirs to me even though I have desperately needed it. Because, they are struggling with their truth – guilt-ridden, ashamed, terrified so they cover it up, deny it, twist and contort it, anything but reveal it.
    I have struggled with the truth on many occasions and tend to clam up and shut-up shop and hide away rather than face and reveal it, but have learned that this only results in me wallowing and drowning in a festering pile of crap, stinkin’ to the high skies. Best to fess up and get outa there.
    Those that have wounded me with their inability to be truthful, I have moved on from, family included.
    I do not need the negative, bad energy in my life.
    I am known for my directness, often it gets me in big trouble. Labelled a big-mouth, a fishwife, aggressive, tactless often with comments along the lines of “did you really say that?”. I just call it as I see it, always have and to this day am still shocked that people find that so confronting.

  20. I understand Year ago, for many years, I was in a very destructive relationship with someone who constantly lied about attractions/affairs and who tried to tell me it was all in my mind/my stuff. Yes, I was jealous and distrusting. And yes, I had every reason to be as I found up after we finally broke up. So much wasted time. It was a huge lesson to learn, but I learnt it well as I now have a husband/relationship that is totally honest.

  21. I would rather be exhausted by constantly seeking truth,

    Than miserable thanks to very lazily accepting lies.

  22. I am a truth seeker and truth teller too, also because my dad had a long-running affair and lied about it for over twenty years. That sort of thing can fuck you up and make you obsessed with shining light where there is dark and demanding people reveal their secrets and take the rap for their lies.

    However after a lifetime of seeking honesty in others, I know that it is only possible to live your OWN life with any sort of truth and power. You can’t make other people honest and true, some people need their lies because of their own shame and fear. As adults we usually have enough power to see them coming before they weave their special magic and we can stay well clear. The pain, that so many of us seem to share is the helplessness of a child being lied to by their parents. This early betrayal however can produce an excellent radar for bullshit, a determination not to inflict that same pain on our own kids and a fierce love of truth, honesty and self-respect.

    Thank you for posting this.

  23. I don’t know that I am always truthful with myself so it would be hypocritical to expect truth from everyone around me. We tell lies for so many reasons. I find it hard to make sense if it sometimes, one persons version of the truth can be very different from another’s. One thing I do know is that it was such a relief to meet my husband after years of looking for love in all the wrong places, instant truth, I have never kept anything from him and yet he loves me still. Phew!

  24. Praise Jesus…hallelujah, amen, sister….
    How damn hard is it to tell the freakin truth?…

  25. This made me cry this morning. It’s been a very tough morning and one full of self doubt. Thank you for saying what I need to hear.

  26. Yes it’s exhausting constantly trying to find the truth when it’s routinely denied.
    But why …..”accept things the way they are” either.
    What kind of a person does that make you??
    Living in the shadows of lies is a life lived in misery….to be denied the truth is cruel and intolerable.
    Everyone deserves the truth. It makes for an honest and true relationship it makes “me…worthy of us”

  27. “Why don’t you try finding your own truth and leave everyone else be?! Life is much simpler this way.”

    See, the thing is, anonymous, is that I HAVE found my own truth. I live it and stand by it each and every day. It’s a belief that I am worth MORE than just accepting someone’s lies. It’s a moral belief that people treating others like shit with lies to make themselves feel better is cruel and intolerable. That’s where you are wrong, it’s not exhausting, it’s being fucking REAL and it’s liberating. You should try it yourself one day. Clearly though, hiding behind an anon comment is “easier”.

    I feel sorry for you and your skewed view of “peace of mind.”

  28. Great post. More of these please.

    I know what you mean about ‘Let me make it better’. Lately I’ve learnt that sometimes, you can’t make it better. And more importantly, you can decide, I’m not going to make it anything other than what it really is. That’s a new kind of truth for me.

  29. Great post Beth. I can’t stand liars and I live my life by truth, I don’t know how anyone can live a lie and be truly happy. I really appreciated this post. It was a great reminder to be true to yourself and don’t waste your life with people that aren’t xx

  30. LIARS make me SICK

  31. I agree it is exhausting to seek the truth always and if I feel someone is not telling me it I move on and never look back , harsh but true.

    Its it different with family and if you want a meaningful relationship you choose to move on or you demand honesty.

    I have done both and as a result have a handful of people in my life that know me, the real me as I do them and it is priceless…

    Lies never come to any good, they always comeback to bite you on the arse x

  32. Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God. I like to live a truthful, honest life, full of kindness, integrity and I like to be above reproach. No one is ever going to have any nasty shit on me. I believe very strongly that my husband is the same, I could not tolerate anyone otherwise. I also believe that people will become the person you treat them as, ie if you call a child sneaky and nasty they might just become that!
    I sometimes don’t think about things and speak my mind which may or may not get me into trouble!
    Forgive the past and try to find a life surrounded by people exuding truthfulness.

  33. Fuckin’ A!

    When it comes to my heart, you want it, it’s yours completely – but fuck me over with a lie and and that suckers is gone baby, gone.

    Great post Beth. I’m with Eden – I wanna hang and speak nuthin but the truth.

  34. Awesome post. And fucking AMEN to needing the truth! I cannot abide being lied to. It’s a deal breaker. If someone can’t respect me enough to give me the truth, then they can fuck off. I can’t think of anything worse than sticking my head in the sand, like anon.
    xx

  35. Anon at 11.03 …

    Your “acceptance of how things are” .. loosely translates as “DO NOT SEEK THE TRUTH IT’S TOO SCARY.”

    Sounds like you have weirdo beef with Beth. Your comment was not very nice or fair.

  36. This…. this post is almost enough for me to want to start a blog just so we can be friends. You’re amazing Beth.

  37. Gawd, you do get me with these posts. Beautifully written, and honest…………xxxxx

  38. I really want to reply to this but not sure there is enough virtual ink on the planet
    :)

  39. Sally! You are back!

    Where have you been darling?

  40. Acceptance of “How things are” ANON….as in acceptance of LIES- are you for REAL???!!!!

    I can’t believe for a minute that you have found peace of mind by living with lies.

    Living with truth is NOT easier- that is true. But it is oh so much more healthy in EVERY way and therefore every bit worth the effort.

    Easy is not always best….

  41. Ok.

    So.

    I’m just going to put this out there …

    It’s my belief that the ‘anons’ are possibly just some of our bloggy ‘friends’ hiding behind the anon thing so they can say what they’re probably too gutless to put to their actual identity.

    Because sometimes, the comments are a little too ‘knowing’.

    That’s just my humble opinion :)

    The blogosphere can be so incredibly real, & so incredibly bullshit :)

    I love the realness. That’s why I keep coming back.

    xx

  42. I’ll go for truth ANY DAY. And I’ll continue to seek it and speak it. The truth might hurt, but someone thinking you’re not worthy of the truth? That continues to hurt forever.

    PS: Anon, visiting here seems to make you upset and uptight. If something makes me feel that way you know what I do? Walk away and look the other way. Try it, you’ll feel better.

  43. It was the first time I’d ever posted a comment on a blog. “Anonymous” just seemed easier. I am glad now I didn’t write my name as you were so quick to attack!
    I don’t have a beef with Beth. I quite enjoy reading her blog and looking at the pictures of her lovely home and family from time to time.
    I just had a different opinion to Beth. I do find recently that on blogs everybody is just doing these “you go girl” type comments which bore me to tears.
    Of course I don’t like lies and prefer the truth. I will ask for the truth even if it scares me. The truth can be very scary in these situations where people are having affairs as you are then really forced to make decisions and take action.
    I think I was trying to state that sometimes people aren’t really ready to tell you the truth. I have found that I need to find my own truth of the situation and make decisions from there.
    I apologise if you didn’t find my comment nice or fair. I am not sure if my view of the world is skewed or not.
    The only thing I do know is that you didn’t like my truth!

  44. Anonymous says:

    I really like your posts too, but I think that talking about truth vs lies can over-simplify pretty complex situations and emotions. Everybody lies, God knows if I didn’t have a filter on what I say I’d be divorced with no friends and no job quick smart! Not all lies are malicious, self-serving or somehow evil, and conversely being ‘brutally honest’ can sometimes be incredibly destructive, insensitive and unkind. I have been cheated on,my Dad cheated on my Mum, but I would never ever cheat on my husband. In hindsight I now see that it takes two to tango and people often cheat because they’re not happy, they should not be lumped with ALL the blame of a relationship break down. Moreover, if I look like I’ve gained weight and you don’t like my cooking, fill up on bread and keep it to yourself my fragile ego can’t take it!

  45. The comments on this blog are always deadset fascinating.

    I want people to lie and tell me they like my cooking.

    Keep Up the Good Work.

  46. I’ve never understood the subterfuge. The need to be ‘other’ than what you really feel. x

  47. I’ve been there lady, heck in some ways I’m still there. I seek truth constantly and am quite distrusting because of it. It does bloody mess you up though. We can only be the best WE can be at the end of the day xoxo

  48. Oh I love this post…its the second time I have read it. I think I know thats me always wanting to know the truth and make things better..even if it means changing myself in some way its crazy what lies and deception will do to you..

  49. Just think of the amazing lessons you have to teach your daughters about honesty & moving on from blokes they just can’t trust, for whatever reason, they won’t waste their time!! Love Posie

  50. What a lovely post, Beth. Thanks!

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