Guest Post: Parenting Blogger Guru

After my last post I was encouraged and buoyed by all your support, concern and just listening, giving me a virtual rub on my back. So thank you. I got a few emails and one in particular from a reader who was just so freaking spot on that I had to share her pearls of wisdom with you all. What she wrote just instantly clicked with me. Yes, ohmygod YES! She is one smart cookie. A parenting guru if you will. This is what I should be saying to you all, but instead panic and freak out and scream for help. But enough with the “shoulds’ already. Right.

Ok. Over to the guru who agreed that I could copy and paste her email into a post. She isn’t really guest posting, but she should be…
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The reason I decided to write the email to you was because I feel deeply about the importance of sharing and supporting in this parenting business.  The problem with advice is that it is always so varied and can cause more harm than good.  Advice is one of those pain in the arse things that you don’t realise the importance of until it is too late.  I am not for a second assuming my words are any more special or influential than the next mum, but one thing I have come to realise in my nearly 12 years on this job, is that the fundamental support that is so desperately needed to be a mum is slowly, slowly slipping away as the generations pass.  SO many mums “appear” to be doing OK, they function, they get through the day, they wash the clothes, they pick up the kids and they appear to the world that they have this gig sorted.  But from my own experiences and in witnessing others, it can often be those strong mums or in-control mums that don’t get the ongoing and constant “hand at their back”.   These mums don’t need advice in the form of “try this, don’t do it this way….” they need the linked arms of other mums who have been through their own experiences to encircle you and gather their learned wisdom and strength and channel it through to you, so you can take an ounce of that strength and do what YOU need to do with it.

I have found the most shocking and disappointing part of mothering is that I needed to actively seek some advice when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.  How can you ask the right and relevant question when you don’t even know what it is that you are meant to be doing ?  Sure, some mums have got their own mums or sisters to answer their questions or guide them, but it seems that people don’t want to “butt in” when you appear to have it all under control.  If they only knew that by regularly letting themselves in the front door, throwing a load of washing on, putting the toddler in the pram and then taking you by the hand and tucking you into bed, no questions asked, would (make you cry like a baby for hours on end, and) make you feel so less alone in the world.  This is what I hope to gift my daughter when she is a mum – that she is and always will be my daughter and even adult daughters (& sons) need to know that the safety net is under them.

I know, right? Genius! She goes on…

1. You are doing an excellent job. Be proud.

2. Your kids are most definitely born with their personality, and it is this personality that determines whether their brains choose to get out of bed at 3am and walk into your room. Personality cannot be changed.

3. You were born with your personality and it is this personality that determines whether you scream, cry, yell, swear, carry frustration, question her behaviour or challenge your strengths. Personality cannot be changed.

4. The entire planet is filled with humans whose personalities clash, or gel, or blend, or settle.

5. Whenever trying to sort through the endless advice or suggestions from the “well meaning people” – always, always, ALWAYS reflect on “historical” parenting and “global” parenting – knowing that something like this has happened to a pioneering woman in her tin shed from 150 years ago, who did in fact end up raising her children with all their “issues” and that they all grew, lived and died, kind of (weirdly) gives some peace. Knowing that there are mothers in Africa who face such different lives and challenges as us, but fundamentally want EXACTLY what you want for you children (peace, strength, survival), and are working just as hard for it, also gives peace. Knowing that you are currently experiencing something that another mother 100 years from now will hopefully reflect on, highlights the magnitude of humanity, and somehow reduces the magnitude of your current situation.

6. All that emotion and energy and stress and tension that I flung around during that time was an absolute waste – the energy it took for me to be that stressed did not determine the outcome of the situation, only my memory of it.
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Where do you start with all those pearls? Number 6? NUMBER 6 has seriously changed. My. Life. Number 6! Thank you “BabyMac better than Dr Phil reader ” for all of this. YOU are amazing. YOU have helped me and no doubt many others too. Enjoy that glass of red tonight my friend, your good deed for the day is done.

This internet village thing we have going on is a pretty amazing sometimes isn’t it? Happy Weekend!

Comments

  1. I commented on number 6 on Facebook – it is such very good advice – stunningly good – and I am going to copy and paste it somewhere close by.

    Thank you for sharing.

    x

  2. So spot on. And what a gorgeous person to share these pearls of wisdom with you, and you to share them on to us.
    The world of blogger Mum’s really is fantastic most of the time. :)

  3. thank you so much for sharing, i needed to read that, it really hit home. what an amazing, amazing woman. do we get to know who it is? xx

  4. whomever she is she knows something that so many don’t!

    this spoke to me so much “These mums don’t need advice in the form of “try this, don’t do it this way….” they need the linked arms of other mums who have been through their own experiences to encircle you and gather their learned wisdom and strength and channel it through to you, so you can take an ounce of that strength and do what YOU need to do with it.”

    and #6 and all about personality.

    thank you to your reader too from me, Beth. gemma

  5. You’re right – total genius
    I hope she reads all this too!
    Your last 2 posts have given me a lot of hope – thankyou

  6. How wonderful, love this blogging village too xx

  7. The thing that resonates for me is the energy you put into stuff doesn’t dictate the outcome.

    I have wasted truckloads of energy on crap that can’t be changed.

    I might stop doing that right this second.

    If it’s any comfort I think your daughter will be a champion adult sleeper. I slept like a log as a baby and now never sleep at all. Go figure.

  8. Bloody brilliant, so real and true. Sometimes it breaks my heart to feel so disjointed as a parent. So lost in knowing what I should be doing. I want to get it right, but just feel so confused and just wish we all lived in huts with matts on the floor, to lay down next to our children, to comfort and love, it’s the only way I feel it was Ment to be.

    The most normal thing of being a parent has turned into such a difficult thing, as the world seems to splinter. And then to come across such a wise person with such real insight is so soothing.

    Thanks Beth for sharing this gem

  9. Whomever she happens to be – i think she’s brilliant, and though she hasnt let herself in our front doors and flung a load of washing on for us, her words may just help us more than that physical act of kindness can…. good job Random Blogger Mum!

  10. Oh my!!!! The best, most insightful advice ever! & I am definitely one of those mum’s who appears to have it under control but is flailing wildly without much support. Thank goodness for the linking of arms through the blog and twitter village without whom I’d go truly insane. I really think the reason I’ve stayed away from PND this time is because of that village. Thank you to this brilliant guru for taking the time to email you and thank you for sharing lovely. Xx

  11. This is exactly why we blog right! Such an arm of friendship and support. Truly amazing. No 1 is also pretty important too!

    xx

  12. Agree with everything your reader said; total genius! What a wonderful person to send this to you when you really needed something like this :) I try to remind myself of number 6 constantly with my regular mantra … this too shall pass … tough sometimes though. Just know you are not alone right now Beth … I too am quite well acquainted with my little man’s floor lately as firstly we’ve been going through weeks (months?) of unsettled night sleeping and now as we both deal with the dreaded jet lag that comes with changing continents. Am struggling to keep my eyes open as I type this … zzzzz :) x

  13. What an awesome reader.
    She gets it!
    Thank you xx

  14. You AND your lovely guru reader are pearls. Thank you so much for sharing. You’ve offered an arm to many. I hope, at least, I can be an arm to another.
    I hope sleep is with you tonight x

  15. Ugh.

    Everything, EVERYTHING hit home.

    What an e-mail. It’s a … power ballad!

    I am that Mum who “appears” to have a lot under control, when I don’t.

    Thank GOD for my Internet village, because I have no one lending a hand.

    Powerful e-mail. No wonder you had to share!

  16. She can come in my front door any time. What a gem.

  17. wise, wise women, she has the absolute knack of being a great mentor – someone who leads you to your best path as opposed to telling you what to do. Thanks for sharing!

  18. What a beautiful & amazing email to get! Those pearls are spot on, & expressed so beautifully. Who is this woman? How lucky are you?
    Thanks so much for sharing this, please tell your mum whisperer that she is brilliant.
    xx

  19. What a wonderful, wonderful email.

    As another one of those mums who seem to have it all under control I am glad to have a mum who can and does step in for me sometimes!

    I didn’t realise myself how much I was projecting this “I’ve got it all sorted, and am calm and measured in my parenting” image until two separate friends commented on how they thought I was such an in control mum. I had to tell one of the many, many days I cried, screamed and despaired with my reflux babies. And confess to the other that I felt the exact same way about her!

    Why do we feel the need to keep up these facades – it seems when we let them down there is support out there… Online at the very least!

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