This weekend has been a long one. Funny that being the October long weekend and all. It’s been raining almost non stop since Saturday. It’s been raining and it’s been cold and everything seems wet. We had visitors for the night on Saturday night and while it was great to catch up I hated the person that I was while they were here. I was that wife, with the biting tongue, lashing out at her husband at every possible chance. We were that couple that openly argues about stuff in front of them, making them feel uncomfortable I’m sure, but I was unable to stop myself and then hated myself a minute later for the person I was being. I was angry at everything – who knows why – and I was unable to pretend that things were anything other than that. Urgh, I shudder when I think about my behaviour.
I don’t know exactly why I am feeling like this. I’m angry at Rob for working so much which is so ridiculously unfair. Awful. Like he wants to be spending all of his time working. Like he needs to feel guilty about the fact when he gets home from working a 14 hour day. I don’t want to be that partner, but I am, and I am unable to stop the mean words spitting out of my mouth the way that they so easily seem to be. And then I am angry and hard on myself for being like this. I hate myself when I am like this. I despise being like this and yet? I can’t stop. And that’s making me angry. I am angry that I am in charge of the kids all the time. I’m tired from it. I’m over it. Instead of enjoying them I am feeling suffocated by them, trapped and tied to them. A switch has gone off in my head and I am resentful. Sharp with my words. Tired. I think I’m just tired.
So that’s me. I haven’t had one of these weekends are a loooong time. I know that it will pass, just as quickly as it began, and until then I am going to try and switch the focus. I’m going to get out of the house with the kids because Dear GOD I need a change of scene. I’m going to stop being so hard on myself. I’m going to laugh with the kids instead of snapping. I’m going to talk to my husband.
I’m going to try at least.