In and out

This weekend has been a long one. Funny that being the October long weekend and all. It’s been raining almost non stop since Saturday. It’s been raining and it’s been cold and everything seems wet. We had visitors for the night on Saturday night and while it was great to catch up I hated the person that I was while they were here. I was that wife, with the biting tongue, lashing out at her husband at every possible chance. We were that couple that openly argues about stuff in front of them, making them feel uncomfortable I’m sure, but I was unable to stop myself and then hated myself a minute later for the person I was being. I was angry at everything – who knows why – and I was unable to pretend that things were anything other than that. Urgh, I shudder when I think about my behaviour.

You know how sometimes in your relationship things are going swimmingly, you are communicating well, connecting on different levels, are touching, are laughing, are sharing, are just being a couple? And then other times when you are not? We are currently not. Not. I can’t pinpoint when it started and who knows when it will end. But it will. Eventually. Usually after someone finally gives in and decides to open up and talk about it. Admit fault. Or not. Then we can usually move on.

I don’t know exactly why I am feeling like this. I’m angry at Rob for working so much which is so ridiculously unfair. Awful. Like he wants to be spending all of his time working. Like he needs to feel guilty about the fact when he gets home from working a 14 hour day. I don’t want to be that partner, but I am, and I am unable to stop the mean words spitting out of my mouth the way that they so easily seem to be. And then I am angry and hard on myself for being like this. I hate myself when I am like this. I despise being like this and yet? I can’t stop. And that’s making me angry. I am angry that I am in charge of the kids all the time. I’m tired from it. I’m over it. Instead of enjoying them I am feeling suffocated by them, trapped and tied to them. A switch has gone off in my head and I am resentful. Sharp with my words. Tired. I think I’m just tired.

So that’s me. I haven’t had one of these weekends are a loooong time. I know that it will pass, just as quickly as it began, and until then I am going to try and switch the focus. I’m going to get out of the house with the kids because Dear GOD I need a change of scene. I’m going to stop being so hard on myself. I’m going to laugh with the kids instead of snapping. I’m going to talk to my husband.

I’m going to try at least.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09334181966209041832 Corinne – Daze of My Life

    Can you get someone to come down and take the girls for a few hours or even a day??

    Last week, I felt completely overwhelmed with my girls. School holidays, rain, the incessant talking and questions – it was doing my head in.

    On saturday, Clint took the girls for the morning and then my mum took them in the arvo, I still had D, but there was quiet. I sat on the lounge, read blogs, read the paper, watched telly. I resisted the urge to clean the house. I felt infinitely better.

    We all need time out. I wish I could come down and give you a break. Take care lovely lady, xxx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03207812498694359774 picklebug

    Don’t be too hard on yourself, we’ve all been there. I know how it feels to think ‘why am I doing this?’ but to then keep doing it anyway, like it is out of your control! It’s all part of being human, and a mum, we all get tired and feel like everything is on top of us. hope you feel back to normal soon
    Rach x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04659789458460830707 Cherie @ ‘a baby called Max’

    This was a post I could have written myself about 4 months ago!

    Max was waking up half hourly, Dave was working 12 hour days, had football training 2 nights per week, then played football on Saturday’s.

    And I was *that* wife too.

    Maybe with all of his working, & then having guests over on the weekend, you didn’t get a chance to just be the 2 of you? Because I also love hosting people, but when you’re in the middle of feeling solo parent thanks to spousal related long working hours, you almost just want your weekend all to yourself. So that you can untie yourself from the kids, let hubby change a shitty nappy here & there, & let you be ‘beth’ again, instead of just ‘MUUUUUUUUUUM!’.

    xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09334181966209041832 Corinne – Daze of My Life

    I just wrote an epic comment and it got swallowed up by the interwebs.

    Basically, what I said was, can someone take the girls for a few hours or even a day?? I know it’s hard being in the ‘wang.

    Last week, I was completely overwhelmed by my girls. The school holidays, the rain, the incessant talking and questions. I was going mad, was shouty, short tempered and generally not nice.

    On Sat, Clint took the girls out for the morning and my mum had them in the arvo. Eventhough I had D, there was peace and quiet. They had a great time getting attention. I sat on the couch, read blogs, read the paper watched telly and resisted the urge to clean the house. In the arvo I had a class of champagne with my husband and ate some terrine. I enjoyed peace and quiet. I was infinitely better afterwards. I regained some patience.

    I wish I could come down and give you some respite. Take care lovely lady. xxx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00008892775707318435 Ajax

    This too shall pass. It always helps me to remember that. :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11937511046069347576 edenland

    I love Corinne’s comment, and I will forgive her for eating terrine. (GAG)

    And I salute you, sister. It’s a hard slog …. I’d probably prefer to be clearing lantana than wiping a crusty poo bum all day. And in a fit of idiocy at bedtime last night I promised to take my guys to see Smurfs today, which is on the exact time as my favourite women’s recovery meeting. So it’s either, Gargamel or Spirit Nourishing? GREAT.

    X

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06333858903359349225 Deb

    this will be me this week… hubby surprises me with the news of a visit from the inlaws ALL WEEK for my first week of holidays.

    I had plans! I was going to sloth around in my pj’s without a bra ALL MORNING. I was going to go visit friends and have coffee, have playdates, go window shopping, have a day trip to IKEA, sit at my mums all day talking, etc etc. now it will be sitting around my teeny tiny house, listening to incessant chat (MIL likes the sound of her own voice) and general FUCKED-UP-NESS! grrr.

    I cant even do the tourist thing because of both of the in laws are in incapacitated in some way, although I have found that floriade hires scooters, so if the MIL swallows her friggin pride and admits she can sit in a scooter quite happily and enjoy taking her grand children out and about, then the need to kill will be less….

    so yes, this will be me this week. As well as trying to pack for our camping trip next week.

    kill me now.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06333858903359349225 Deb

    oh, and did I mention that my hubby, their beloved son will be at work THE WHOLE TIME!

    sorry. rant over.

  • http://fromabrookside.blogspot.com/ Eleanor

    I nodded along with your post as I read through…because I have been that same wife as well.
    I despise the periods when we’re “off” and revel in the ones when we’re “on”.
    The change for me was in making some major life decisions to reclaim myself…
    Hang in there.
    This too shall pass!

  • http://formymadeline.wordpress.com/ formymadeline

    I feel ya – I have been there many a time. Maybe we have to be there sometimes so that we can look at ourselves and see room for attitude adjustment? It’s unreasonable to expect ourselves to never give in to the “bitchies. :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06124224647059797583 kim at allconsuming

    I got nothin’ lovely lady. Just that I know where you’re at and know how shitty it can be. It sucks but it passes, as you know, but that doesn’t make it any better. Eat some cheese, that seems to make things better. Maybe some pate. And a nice pudding. Pudding makes everything better.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13272090974052486539 Mrs Woog

    I think you just wrote the Housewives Anthem xx

  • http://www.minimusthave.com/ Kellie (minimusthave)

    I am having the exact same weekend. I have nagged, snapped, whined, ignored, screamed -at both kids and partner. How long can one weekend possibly be?! Currently sitting here sulking as it’s possibly the only free time I’ll have to myself for the next week. Bah.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16763753472532837764 one claire day

    It’s so hard when they work long hours… it really is. It’s hard to not resent them sometimes for it, as unfair as it is. I’m the same.

    Remember you’re number one. Be kind to yourself and you’ll be kind to him – and naturally, this is good for the littles.

    Love the honesty.
    X

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09651116248452404269 Jodi @ The Scribble Den

    I totally get everything you say Beth. My hubby has been working long long hours for a couple of years now, because he has to. and I know this. and we are trying our hardest to get out of the situation that requires him to. but every now and then I get the same way. angry. angry at him. angry at everything. I know he would much rather be with us than working but sometimes well… you know how it is.
    It is hard. on everyone. and something we just have to work through and through until we reach that goal. Hugs to you. x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11526632640608597064 Jane

    Just remember it’s the bad bits in life that make us appreciate the good bits. Shamelessly cliche, but oh so true xxx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11076574278819598477 paula @ pod and 3 peas

    we’ve all been there, I know that makes me feel better so hope it makes you feel better too, you need a long soak in a hot bath :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12173085007473641503 Down that Little Lane

    I’ll take your shitty weekend and raise you a 3 day break with 6 adults, 6 kids in one house rain all weekend and a couple that are like the couple you feel you are right now all the time….fandabidosi !…. At least you know when you are being a bit crappy and acknowledge then change and it’s just the normal cycle…don’t beat yourself up sweetness x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09703082768846184281 ::The Beetle Shack::

    Oh hi beth- you and I are the same person. fact.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13151973819133926868 Mama of 2 boys

    The long working hours are brutal lady, I know EXACTLY how you feel. But the stupid part is ‘I’ wouldn’t want to be doing those hours, so what exactly would I be doing if I wasn’t doing long hours OR looking after the boys? These are the questions I torture myself with when I go through patches like you’re in right now. I don’t think there are any answers for feeling this way, it’s just the bump and grind of everyday family life. I had the shittiest of shitty weekends too, if it’s any consolation, different shitty to you, but shitty all the same xo

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01763663070753377293 Zoey @ Good Googs

    Choices can be a real bitch. I’m the one who really pushed for us to move to the Central Coast – creating a somewhat brutal commute which can mean my husband leaves before the kids are awake and gets home after they are asleep. But it doesn’t mean sometimes I wish things were different.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16108186912871204986 Georgia

    I so get you on cracking because of feeling like the weight falls squarely on shoulders. My husband travels a lot for work, and is often away for weeks at a time. When I was a SAHM, I’d get pissed because I was dealing with the kids 24/7 while he got weeks away without actively parenting. No taking over for night wakings, no bed sharing, no dealing with tantrums and kids fighting. When I went back to work part-time recently, I thought things would improve because I get a break from the kids, but when he’s away, I’ve got to juggle the day care/preschool drop off and pick up and rush home to cook dinner, and there’s still no one to share the parenting with. Then, when he has leave, he actually gets time to himself because of day care and preschool. I can’t remember when I had a whole 24 hours to myself. He’s just come back from six weeks away, I and had a particularly rough patch when the 4.5 year old ASD child was having more meltdowns than normal, and the almost 3 year old was having regular almost-three year old tantrums. I decided that to save my sanity, I’d be spending a night in a hotel, with room service to do whatever the truck I want, because I need it. A few weeks on, things are better, but I’m still having my night to myself, because who knows when I’ll get the chance again.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17140909637865426746 Anna Bartlett

    I hear you. I’ve been there. Regularly. It’s like I’m digging a hole and I’m actually starting to feel ok down there. Like the only time I actually speak and get to display any intellect is when I’m arguing with a non-comunicative husband. (I am good at it.) Thanks for saying it all out loud. I may have to refer my husband to this post next time I’m you.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00925297507974597887 Nattie

    Thank you so much for talking about this….I have felt it sooo many times. You are right though, you do get through it, it will be fine.
    The last time I lost it ( with visitors staying ) I ended up throwing a kitchen utensil at my husband! Two days later we were over it, but I was a cow for a while back there.
    No doubt I am due another blip soon!
    Nattie x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04163154559807391800 ashley

    I too am that lady. The one who puts the guilts on for my man working hard, late and ridiculous hours. If I were him I’d snap. But nope, he just takes it, and forgives me. This makes it even harder. Then I have a day where I catch my breath, remember to laugh and make up for (most) of my evil tongued remarks. It is hard. So very hard but worth it (so I am told;)) your honesty is amazing. X ashley