I’ve had this post going around and around my head for the past few weeks now. Maybe even longer. But I’m not quite sure what it is I want to say, or what it’s about. So as I write all my posts, I’ll just start at the beginning and see where we end up.
Blogging has always been a huge joy for me and a big part of my life. What started as a silly little thing has become so much more. And I’m even bored with myself repeating (yet again) all it has bought me – connections, friendships, therapy, a keepsake – but sometimes I need that reminder as to just why I get on here every day and feel the need to get something out there. Weeks ago I was on a blogging high – I had been selected as a Kidspot Top 50 blogger and got to go and meet some fabulous bloggers in real life. I love those chances (like at the Aussie Bloggers Conference) and always have the best time. The comments on my blog seemed to be the highest yet and traffic was soaring. I then got into my head that “Stuff it! I wanted to go over to BlogHer in America” with the likes of Mrs Woog & Eden and that I could do it! That I was liked! I was important! Having something like that, apart from my life as a stay at home Mum with 2 kids in a new town was a huge boost for me. I had something to do. Because people wanted it from me. Or something like that.
And then I missed out and well, I seemed to lose my confidence somewhere along the way. Perhaps it was because I got a little ahead of myself? As I seem to do often in my life. Perhaps it was that I thought I was a little more important than I actually am? Most likely. Perhaps what I thought I had to say was actually more interesting than what it really is – just pithy observations of a mother’s life in the country with kids.
The other part of it all is that it is exhausting. The trying to keep up with it all. The trying to keep contacts, keep commenting, keep being an active member and part of the community that is moving and growing quicker than it ever has before. The tweeting, the commenting, the reading, the Facebooking, the online community forums, the blog conferences, all while trying to put interesting things up on your blog AND being a wife and mother and friend.
This is me, putting my hand up, saying I can’t keep up with it all.
And I pride myself on being able to keep up with most things most of the time, but this, I just can’t. I have this ridiculous thing (I don’t know what else to call it) where I feel like I need to be a part of the rise of blogging because I have been there right from the start. I don’t want to ‘miss out’ on any of the benefits because, damn it, I put the hard yards in each and every day and I deserve something don’t I? And yet I look at when hugely popular blogs put up a “It’s my one year anniversary post” and I think ONE YEAR? And you have all those followers? HOW DO YOU DO IT?! And it inevitably makes me feel like a failure because I am so hard in myself and that inevitably makes me feel like shit which inevitably makes me a cranky Mum and mean wife and someone that doesn’t like themselves very much.
I know that people like to read what I have to say and share here. I know because of the comments and because of traffic that comes on each day. I know from what people have said to me that my blog is good. That it is on the verge of being something. But it just never seems to get there. The numbers never seem to get there. The something never seems to get there. But where exactly? It’s frustrating the hell out of me. Patience is not a virtue of mine.
So. I need a little time out. It’s almost been 5 years that I have been doing this and I am a little weary. A little frazzled and a little disenchanted. I need the break to be a better me first and foremost. A better Mum and a better wife. Who knows somewhere along the way I might become a better blogger. I might get a clearer direction about where this is going, about what I want it to say. What I want this to be. I want to get some spark and humour back. I’ll still keep sending out my desperate requests for corporate sponsorship to BlogHer because I do think I have something here. I just don’t quite know what it is. But I’m hoping I’ll figure it out.
Because I am a complete interweb addict my break will only be short – I’m giving myself a definite week which is quite pathetic – who knows it could be longer (but I very much doubt that). And I’ll try not to spend the entire time desperately thinking that the break will be mean my ultimate demise and that I’ll lose readers forever. And that another blog will start up and overtake mine in just a week. And lastly, in the meantime, I would LOVE to know if you are in this blogging game…
How do you do it? All of it?
Do you ever feel like this too?
What will I do with all this free time?