Pity party for one under the name Macdonald

Just as it makes no logical sense that a mother could look at her newborn baby and want to scream and pull her hair out in frustration and resentment and anger, it makes no sense that on this amazingly beautiful day I could be anything other than filled with happiness. Right? Yeah, right.

And it is such a beautiful day here today. Magnificent you could even say. The air is cool, the sun is in the blue skies and for the first time in a long time it’s a clear, picture perfect day. You can feel the shift in the seasons about to happen. Smell it. See it. The days getting a little shorter, the nights most certainly cooler, the garden growing at a less rapid rate than it has been. Jumpers are getting pulled out at night. I am dreaming about the fire being put on day after day, night after night and I am trying to prepare myself for my first proper winter that we will experience down here.

The kids have been, well, as kids that are 4 and 1 can be. Relentless. Exhausting. Frustrating. Joyous. Hilarious. Mind numbing. And all in the space of 2 minutes. Harper says my name over and over and over and over and then over again. Mama. Mama. Mama. It is suffocating me at the moment. She needs me to be near her, wrapped around her, comforting her. And I can. And of course I do. Daisy is like some over tired hormonal teenager. Over tired. Over stimulated. Trying to grow up and of course is growing in leaps and bounds physically and mentally, but yet collapses into floods of tears and emotions and tantrums because it’s all very hard work this growing up. And she has only been 4 for all of 5 minutes now. Last night she had a 30 minute + tantrum about the fact no one loved her and that she was leaving home. And going to move to the bush. Because no one here loves her enough. And because I use a “cranky” voice with her. And she won’t put up with it anymore. She cried, sobbed even that we didn’t love her. And while it was funny, it was exhausting – trying to convince that we do, in fact, love her. That she is loved. That she can do this. And that. She is OK. Really. Promise.

Life here has returned to some kind of new normal. The first few weeks of the school term are done. The visitors down here have been less. Rob is back at work. And I, well, I’m just here. I’m lonely. At times desperately lonely for some female friends. A real friend. I don’t speak with my friends from Sydney much because well, everyone is busy and everyone is just getting on with things and of course I am to blame for never picking up the phone for a chat. My one friend who was a stay at home Dad has even gone back to work. I logically know that to make friends I have to put myself out there and over and over again I have, and will do, but that’s exhausting too. I know that all of this just takes time, but right now I wish it would hurry up. I miss being able to pop over and see my Mum. Have Rob’s Mum come and mind the girls just for a few hours so I can do something. Just have that support around.

This is the first time in a very long time that I haven’t been working. Today, as strange it may seem, I would take the working mother guilt over the groundhogdayness of this past week. I would take the stress, the dramas, the bad daycare pickups and the running around because at least I felt like I was offering someone well something. And I would be able to go to a coffee shop and have a coffee all by myself. Stupid hey? No, let me answer that: completely. I know that right here, right now is where my kids need me to be and that I am so very lucky to be in a position to be here but if I have to suck up all of my strength to say “oh look, a balloon!” I might blow my fucking top. I must have something more to offer than this…right?

I think I need to get my period. I think that I need to suck it up and get over it. I think I most definitely needed to get all of this out and down so that it doesn’t cloud my head and mind and find it’s way laced with spiteful and mean comments directed at my husband because he gets to get out of here and do something worthwhile for someone. Or in having a shorter patience than I should with the girls. So it’s out. I feel better. I am most definitely moving onwards and upwards.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06584033284808900250 plain jane styling

    This was me when the reality of our move to the country set in. Me to a tee. Want a visitor,….with 3 kids in tow??? xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15086980189762813286 [Good Mum Hunting]

    I hear you sister.

    I’m in the pregnancy rut at the moment. Only a few weeks to go and dare I say it, I’m BORED.

    I know I should count my blessings because in a few weeks, I will be so tired and busy with a newborn. But I feel bored and lonely too.

    I don’t know what the mother guilt feels like, but I’m a little over the same thing, day in, day out.

    I know things will improve when we get to the new house and I can become part of the community there. New friends, new parks, a new lifestyle.

    But for now? Blergh x 2.

    xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13774961689281373749 Tai Tai

    I’m with you. Although no babies, have had groundhog day far too many times now and all on my own. And am well and truly over it. And making friends is hard, and takes time. And I don’t want to wait. I’m with GMH – blergh x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09334181966209041832 Corinne – Daze of My Life

    Oh Beth, does it help that I know exactly what you’re feeling? And have been feeling it for a while?

    Does it help if I tell you you are doing something for someone by writing this? You’re making me and others out there feel a little more normal, a little less alone. And that, my friend, is a very big something.

    The SAHM gig is hard, lonely, boring and, sometimes, soul destroying. Of course there are wonderful moments, but for the most part it’s mundane.

    It takes courageous to write it out, but it will help.

    Hugs. Here’s to a LOT of laughter on Saturday. xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00187085163513906952 Jo

    me too lovely… what you just said… hmph!

    no period hormones to blame for me though, it’s just me right now {since we got back from hols really} I’m thinking that I need to take my vitamin B, that should help, usually does.

    wish we lived up the road from each other, i’d pop over {maybe we should have a skype cuppa?}

  • http://www.thesuperwhites.com/ Super Sarah

    Sending sympathy, its perfectly ok to feel a bit sorry for oneself occasionally! I remember how hard it was when we moved over from the UK and were living with my inlaws here in Sydney. I had a six month old baby and most of my friends were back in London. It did take time and now four years later I can’t imagine being anywhere else. Be gentle with yourself and I prescribe WINE!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13151973819133926868 Mama of 2 boys

    Ohhh lady, I can so relate. There are times when I just have to laugh at what a cliche my life is. It is hard, isn’t it?? I too, get the pangs of guilt or whatever it is that makes you feel like you should be doing ‘something’. Then I think, hang on, we can’t be EVERYTHING to EVERYONE. We ARE doing something and it’s important, as repetitive as it may be, it IS worthwhile. But I do get you, totally. If nothing else, thanks for summing it all up for me so eloquently, as you always do xo
    P.S. The bloody tantrums, when do they stop?! I’m up to my eyeballs in them courtesy of big A.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06223703457969469862 joanna

    so, so true…I don’t care what anyone says, being a stay at home mum is the hardest job in the world. Add being in a new place, miles away from all that you know, even a beautiful place, but still not a place where you truly have roots and there’s days when its all too hard. I know, I’ve done it for 2.5 years now!! And as for winter…good luck with your first, real winter…its NOTHING like going away for a wintery weekend when you have sunny Sydney to come home to! And it is both hard to reach out to old friend and make new ones when you have little people demanding your attention! Be kind to yourself, you are in the midst of a difficult time!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15761220164069379437 Maxabella

    The relentless boredom and loneliness of SAHM status was what drove me back to work every time. Oh, Beth. Not every day feels like this. It’s kinda there at the back of your mind, right, but fortunately not always at the front! Hope tomorrow is better. x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07219272193124932806 PinkPatentMaryJanes

    Hugs xxx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09904583125217654059 Sarah

    It helps me! I was just chatting to Corinne the other night about feeling guilty and awful for feeling this way.
    Stuck on my own, on the otherside of the world with a 2 and 9 month old the only company for most of my week.
    You have just described how I have been feeling exactly! Feeling awful for being nasty to my husband just because he has a semblance of a life outside of these four walls, the lot.
    Thanks for this post – you have really helped.
    x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00523302175587144970 Belinda

    I love how honest you are! Hoping comments on here show you that many people feel this way! You’re allowed to.

    Today is my birthday and I got my mag in the mail! It’s made my day! Thank you again! xx.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00526271447629458147 Permanently twenty three

    With two sprogs of my own (similar in age to yours actually) I know that feeling. Sometimes motherhood, while a noble cause, is just rather fucking boring. But it’s not like that every day. And there are the weekends to look forward to. Jesus I hang for the weekends.

    xx

  • http://www.nappydaze.blogspot.com/ Donna @ NappyDaze

    First I thank you for such honesty as I often think these thoughts but am too scared to articulate them into print. I gues by doing this thought you you you are not alone as so many of us are reading this and nodding right along with you, vehemently agreeing that we know EXACTLY what you mean.

    I’m just over one year in to my sea change and while its getting easier, I still find it suffocating and isolating at times. The making friends gig is HARD WORK and I fear it will never get easier. All i can say is one day at a time and keep your eye on the big picture of why you moved in the first place. Might help to keep you that little bit more sane x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17140909637865426746 Anna Bartlett

    I find myself envying the kid at Coles because they’re earning money while I’m spending it. And maybe they got to actually drive to work, by themselves, in silence. I’ve got 2 little ones at home, and 2 bigger ones at school, and it is easier to make friends once they start school. So pop that in the back of your mind. I know it’s important, being at home, I know we are lucky to be able to, but yep, I totally hear where you’re coming from. That’s why I stay up late. Just to NOT have some little body hanging off me. Unfortunately that also means my eyes are usually hanging out of my head…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16414589007412394888 Kylie @ The Rockgarden

    I very much understand the groundhoginess of parenting. I really look forward to my work days now, of course feeling guilty when people make sad eyes at me and ask how I manage to tear myself away from my little one. Yeah, not that hard really. Love that little bubba, but love some time away too.

    I get through the groundhoginess by going out every day. We do swimming, we do kindergym and if all else fails we make a play date or go shopping or visit the big smoke. I really struggle with days where I’m stuck at home ALL DAY. So does Pebble, I think. We both need to get out.