Just as it makes no logical sense that a mother could look at her newborn baby and want to scream and pull her hair out in frustration and resentment and anger, it makes no sense that on this amazingly beautiful day I could be anything other than filled with happiness. Right? Yeah, right.
And it is such a beautiful day here today. Magnificent you could even say. The air is cool, the sun is in the blue skies and for the first time in a long time it’s a clear, picture perfect day. You can feel the shift in the seasons about to happen. Smell it. See it. The days getting a little shorter, the nights most certainly cooler, the garden growing at a less rapid rate than it has been. Jumpers are getting pulled out at night. I am dreaming about the fire being put on day after day, night after night and I am trying to prepare myself for my first proper winter that we will experience down here.
The kids have been, well, as kids that are 4 and 1 can be. Relentless. Exhausting. Frustrating. Joyous. Hilarious. Mind numbing. And all in the space of 2 minutes. Harper says my name over and over and over and over and then over again. Mama. Mama. Mama. It is suffocating me at the moment. She needs me to be near her, wrapped around her, comforting her. And I can. And of course I do. Daisy is like some over tired hormonal teenager. Over tired. Over stimulated. Trying to grow up and of course is growing in leaps and bounds physically and mentally, but yet collapses into floods of tears and emotions and tantrums because it’s all very hard work this growing up. And she has only been 4 for all of 5 minutes now. Last night she had a 30 minute + tantrum about the fact no one loved her and that she was leaving home. And going to move to the bush. Because no one here loves her enough. And because I use a “cranky” voice with her. And she won’t put up with it anymore. She cried, sobbed even that we didn’t love her. And while it was funny, it was exhausting – trying to convince that we do, in fact, love her. That she is loved. That she can do this. And that. She is OK. Really. Promise.
Life here has returned to some kind of new normal. The first few weeks of the school term are done. The visitors down here have been less. Rob is back at work. And I, well, I’m just here. I’m lonely. At times desperately lonely for some female friends. A real friend. I don’t speak with my friends from Sydney much because well, everyone is busy and everyone is just getting on with things and of course I am to blame for never picking up the phone for a chat. My one friend who was a stay at home Dad has even gone back to work. I logically know that to make friends I have to put myself out there and over and over again I have, and will do, but that’s exhausting too. I know that all of this just takes time, but right now I wish it would hurry up. I miss being able to pop over and see my Mum. Have Rob’s Mum come and mind the girls just for a few hours so I can do something. Just have that support around.
This is the first time in a very long time that I haven’t been working. Today, as strange it may seem, I would take the working mother guilt over the groundhogdayness of this past week. I would take the stress, the dramas, the bad daycare pickups and the running around because at least I felt like I was offering someone well something. And I would be able to go to a coffee shop and have a coffee all by myself. Stupid hey? No, let me answer that: completely. I know that right here, right now is where my kids need me to be and that I am so very lucky to be in a position to be here but if I have to suck up all of my strength to say “oh look, a balloon!” I might blow my fucking top. I must have something more to offer than this…right?
I think I need to get my period. I think that I need to suck it up and get over it. I think I most definitely needed to get all of this out and down so that it doesn’t cloud my head and mind and find it’s way laced with spiteful and mean comments directed at my husband because he gets to get out of here and do something worthwhile for someone. Or in having a shorter patience than I should with the girls. So it’s out. I feel better. I am most definitely moving onwards and upwards.