I have not laughed this hard in a long time. A loooong time. Tonight Rob was frantically tapping away on his laptop and when I asked what he was doing he just giggled. Then he showed me this.
1. I might get pregnant again (this should be enough, end of story. Done deal. However…) – you can’t get pregnant if you do star jumps straight afterwards.
2. The children *might* wake up – It’ll only take a second… I mean minute.
3. It *might* wake the children – It *might not*
4. It *might* wake the neighbours – They’re too busy on SingStar and *waking* us.
5. There are noise restrictions past 10pm on a weeknight – the planes come in until 11. I’ll time my run.
6. I have a cramp in my leg/arm/foot/hand – one word: Lucozade
7. I just washed my hair – I don’t know about you but I wasn’t planning on getting your hair dirty.
8. I need to wash my hair – great – let’s get it dirty.
9. I just painted my finger & toe nails – It’s nice of you to get all fancy for me.
10. I need to paint my finger & toe nails – I like a bit of ‘rough’
11. I need to pumice my heels – I can’t recall ever coming in contact with your heels… ever.
12. I have to do some washing* – then wait a couple of minutes and throw the sheets in. Birds and stones and all that.
13. I have to fold the washing** – if we just heat the room up the wrinkles will fall out by themselves.
14. I have to do the washing up*** – Kinky. Suds.
15. I have to sweep the courtyard (yes, at night) – there’s a euphemism I haven’t heard before. But I like it.
16. I have to iron something **** – I have to do my Tax. Your point?
17. I have to clean my silver (sure I don’t own any…details, details) – do you need practice polishing anything first?
18. I have to clean out the pantry – see if there’s any whipped cream.
19. My breastfeeding boobs might leak – and this will stop me how?
20. I have a headache – sex releases endorphins which are natural pain relievers.
21. I have a migraine – see above. Multiple orgasms are the human body’s equivalent to Panadeine Forte.
22. I have a toothache – Let me kiss it better.
23. I have an infected quick in my finger – all I heard was ‘quick’ and ‘finger’.
24. I have period pain (best only to use when you are finally get your period back) – my back hurts but I’m still willing to give it a crack.
25. I have my period (see above note) – According to Bill Clinton it’s not ‘sex’ but…
26. I’m too tired – I’ll be quick
27. I’m way too tired – I’ll be really quick
28. I’m desperately tired – I’m DONE!
29. I NEED to sleep – so do I. But research shows that REM sleep is reached 2.7 x faster post coital.
30. I would prefer to sleep (sure this one could be a little hurtful) – I’d prefer you were Claudia Bassols.
31. I think it’s best if we just sleep – I don’t mind if you close your eyes.
32. Sleeping would be a better use of time right now – actually a better use of time would be devising a plan for stopping the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. But rather than beat ourselves up about not using our time more effectively…let’s make each other feel better.
33. I am zzzz….(just instantly fall asleep so there can be no confusion on the matter) – I am ahhhhhhhhhrrrrggggghhhh!
34. My GP said I need bed REST – My GP said I need to stop drinking *clink*. Who listens to their GP?
35. I am waiting for my script for the pill to be collected from the chemist – I still have my lucky condom in my wallet. Been there for 12 years… come to think of it, it wasn’t that lucky.
36. My ob said that I cannot have sex yet ***** – Last time I checked you don’t give birth through your mouth.
37. The doctor said so (just leave it at that and hope for the best) – well my DR says I need to get more exercise. Did you know sex equates to a five k run? That shit’s more economical than 8 minute abs.
38. Did I mention that I’m tired? – Did I mention my pants weren’t on?
39. I’m too drunk (unlikely, but could be kept up your sleeve) – so am I. Wooohooo! Do that thing you do!
40. I have to go to work in the morning (best to only use this if you do, indeed, go to work) – that gives us all night baby. Allllll niiiiiiight! (Reaches over and flicks on the CD player. The dulcet tones of Barry White fill the room)
41. I have to do the weekly shop in the morning so have to rest in preparation – um… hello? Homeshop.com.au
42. I need to do a blog post for tomorrow – Topic: The BEST night of my life.
43. I need to check something on Facebook (weak but may be used) – Status update Beth is glowing.
44. [insert favourite TV show] is on – Thank god we put the TV in the bedroom!
45. I need some alone time – should I get the camera?
46. I’m reeeeeeeeeeally tired – if you stopped saying that we could be done by now!
47. I feel fat and unattractive, overtired & a million miles away from sexay (sad, but oh so true) – that’s why I’m giving you a chance to feel something else for a while.
48. My body poses a health & safety risk to you – I’ve had my flu shot.
49. Do you know that the process will render my body NAKED????!!!! – and a hello boys!
50. I might get pregnant again – don’t worry, I’ve been keeping my mobile phone in my pocket. There’s every chance my swimmers have been nuked.