50 ways to leave your lover…[Reprise by Rob]

I have not laughed this hard in a long time. A loooong time. Tonight Rob was frantically tapping away on his laptop and when I asked what he was doing he just giggled. Then he showed me this.

Warning: this is a little rude. But hilarious. If you are easily shocked do NOT read this post. Mum and Kathryn (Rob’s Mum) try not to be too shocked. Or just don’t read.
The man. He is funny. Funny. Boys, this one is for you.
The answers to: 50 excuses for NOT having sex whilst rearing small children.

1. I might get pregnant again (this should be enough, end of story. Done deal. However…) – you can’t get pregnant if you do star jumps straight afterwards.

2. The children *might* wake up – It’ll only take a second… I mean minute.

3. It *might* wake the children – It *might not*

4. It *might* wake the neighbours – They’re too busy on SingStar and *waking* us.

5. There are noise restrictions past 10pm on a weeknight – the planes come in until 11. I’ll time my run.

6. I have a cramp in my leg/arm/foot/hand – one word: Lucozade

7. I just washed my hair – I don’t know about you but I wasn’t planning on getting your hair dirty.

8. I need to wash my hair – great – let’s get it dirty.

9. I just painted my finger & toe nails – It’s nice of you to get all fancy for me.

10. I need to paint my finger & toe nails – I like a bit of ‘rough’

11. I need to pumice my heels – I can’t recall ever coming in contact with your heels… ever.

12. I have to do some washing* – then wait a couple of minutes and throw the sheets in. Birds and stones and all that.

13. I have to fold the washing** – if we just heat the room up the wrinkles will fall out by themselves.

14. I have to do the washing up*** – Kinky. Suds.

15. I have to sweep the courtyard (yes, at night) – there’s a euphemism I haven’t heard before. But I like it.

16. I have to iron something **** – I have to do my Tax. Your point?

17. I have to clean my silver (sure I don’t own any…details, details) – do you need practice polishing anything first?

18. I have to clean out the pantry – see if there’s any whipped cream.

19. My breastfeeding boobs might leak – and this will stop me how?

20. I have a headache – sex releases endorphins which are natural pain relievers.

21. I have a migraine – see above. Multiple orgasms are the human body’s equivalent to Panadeine Forte.

22. I have a toothache – Let me kiss it better.

23. I have an infected quick in my finger – all I heard was ‘quick’ and ‘finger’.

24. I have period pain (best only to use when you are finally get your period back) – my back hurts but I’m still willing to give it a crack.

25. I have my period (see above note) – According to Bill Clinton it’s not ‘sex’ but…

26. I’m too tired – I’ll be quick

27. I’m way too tired – I’ll be really quick

28. I’m desperately tired – I’m DONE!

29. I NEED to sleep – so do I. But research shows that REM sleep is reached 2.7 x faster post coital.

30. I would prefer to sleep (sure this one could be a little hurtful) – I’d prefer you were Claudia Bassols.

31. I think it’s best if we just sleep – I don’t mind if you close your eyes.

32. Sleeping would be a better use of time right now – actually a better use of time would be devising a plan for stopping the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. But rather than beat ourselves up about not using our time more effectively…let’s make each other feel better.

33. I am zzzz….(just instantly fall asleep so there can be no confusion on the matter) – I am ahhhhhhhhhrrrrggggghhhh!

34. My GP said I need bed REST – My GP said I need to stop drinking *clink*. Who listens to their GP?

35. I am waiting for my script for the pill to be collected from the chemist – I still have my lucky condom in my wallet. Been there for 12 years… come to think of it, it wasn’t that lucky.

36. My ob said that I cannot have sex yet ***** – Last time I checked you don’t give birth through your mouth.

37. The doctor said so (just leave it at that and hope for the best) – well my DR says I need to get more exercise. Did you know sex equates to a five k run? That shit’s more economical than 8 minute abs.

38. Did I mention that I’m tired? – Did I mention my pants weren’t on?

39. I’m too drunk (unlikely, but could be kept up your sleeve) – so am I. Wooohooo! Do that thing you do!

40. I have to go to work in the morning (best to only use this if you do, indeed, go to work) – that gives us all night baby. Allllll niiiiiiight! (Reaches over and flicks on the CD player. The dulcet tones of Barry White fill the room)

41. I have to do the weekly shop in the morning so have to rest in preparation – um… hello? Homeshop.com.au

42. I need to do a blog post for tomorrow – Topic: The BEST night of my life.

43. I need to check something on Facebook (weak but may be used) – Status update Beth is glowing.

44. [insert favourite TV show] is on – Thank god we put the TV in the bedroom!

45. I need some alone time – should I get the camera?

46. I’m reeeeeeeeeeally tired – if you stopped saying that we could be done by now!

47. I feel fat and unattractive, overtired & a million miles away from sexay (sad, but oh so true) – that’s why I’m giving you a chance to feel something else for a while.

48. My body poses a health & safety risk to you – I’ve had my flu shot.

49. Do you know that the process will render my body NAKED????!!!! – and a hello boys!

50. I might get pregnant again – don’t worry, I’ve been keeping my mobile phone in my pocket. There’s every chance my swimmers have been nuked.

Comments

  1. hahhahahha!! I love it :)

  2. As I said this arvo, you would have to be the most competitive couple on the planet. Hysterically funny funny funny!!!Will be laughing all week

  3. 11. I need to pumice my heels – I can’t recall ever coming in contact with your heels… ever.

    Ahahahahah I laughed out loud especially at this one…

    Too funny Beth. Too funny indeed :)

    x

  4. CRACKED ME UP!!! Thanks you SO much for sharing this. Brilliant.

  5. Oh priceless. You too are just too hysterical. Now, that’s a way to start a monday. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do my tax – no, really.

  6. Oh priceless. You too are just too hysterical. Now, that’s a way to start a monday. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do my tax – no, really.

  7. I think this one should also be entered into the draw. Fabulous!

  8. well done!

  9. That was great. There’s an excuse of everything!

    Oh, and to side with Rob, my doctor told me (at around 18) to stop taking my nurofen and to masturbate or find someone to have sex with!

  10. Haha this was fantastic to read!

  11. I’m glad he entered it. So funny :)

  12. What a witty, witty man you have there. I laughed out loud several times. Well done.

    You know you’re stuffed next time you want to avoid a tap on the shoulder? He’s got all bases covered! x

  13. Bahahah!!!! Classic!

    This is by far the best 50 things I’ve read so far!

  14. These are just awesome. Do you mind if I link to these in my blog? Too funny not to send out to my readers.

  15. OMG that is seriously the funnies thing I have read in a while…Classic!

  16. Hahahaha!!
    Love it! Especially 23.

    I’d like to link to it from my blog too. Hope that’s OK.

  17. I thought you were brave posting your list. Sprung! His reprise is so typical of men. They can turn ever situation into foreplay! Love it! That is a seriously good laugh.

  18. omg this gets a BIG team effort vote from me- hilarious

  19. Baahahaa. Funny list. Was reading it and thinking now where do I know that smart ass’y’ness from… oh that’s right. I’m married to one of your guys too.

    Bless. Great entry.

  20. Very late comment on this one but felt I had to – just awesome. Was reading out to fiancé and ended up hearing a rant about how some women need to stop making excuses (I tuned out halfway through). Despite this, he did agree it was quite funny and rob is awesome.

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