It’s the only word(s) to describe how things are at the moment. There seem to be far too may dis connects for my liking, and not much I can do about them (for now anyway) so I am just trying to live through them. Heavy heart and all.
Rob and I are in such different places. Different priorities, different needs and neither of us meeting the others needs. I would never have thought that during this pregnancy that we would both be carrying babies – him, his show, and me, our second child. And with these babies all the worry and stress that comes with something so BIG and so important. As Rob says “it’s just a case of really bad timing”. We are both so stubborn and SO sure that what the other person needs could not possibly be as important, as urgent. He cannot understand my frustrations, my needs as he is distracted. Did I say distracted? And rightly so. I get that. I really do, and am trying to keep reminding myself of the fact that this is REALLY important and REALLY big for him. I am angry, more angry than I would normally be because I am not get any of my needs met by him. That and the crazy pregnancy hormones surging through me. I hate this. I hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. it. It’s not us. We are not talking properly, or at any length about this because, well, we know that soon enough it will be over, and what’s the point? It just ends in a fight. We NEVER fight. Did I mention that I hate this? We are just dis connected for the moment and will reconnect soon enough. And I can’t wait. I just cannot wait. This is not out of the ordinary for married couples I know. When someone is busy working on a project, or away on a business trip and the balance between you is just off. Out. Or when you just seem to have an off period of time for whatever reason. We have so many ‘ons’ that I know you have to get an ‘off’ now and then. But it still sucks when you are in the depths of an off.
I am trying not to think too much about the awful daycare drop offs that I have had lately. I am trying not to think about just what these long days for Daisy actually mean. I am purposely dis connecting myself from the thoughts because honestly, what is the point? It just makes me upset. Yesterday I was a misery, teary mess ALL DAY because I actually allowed myself to stop and think about it, and dwell (nay wallow!) in the guilt of being a working mother. And funnily enough, I felt like shit all day (now THERE’S a surprise!), because I decided to stop a little while in thinking about it all. It did me no good. She was fine (well she was when I called as soon as I got to work) and was happy when I picked her up. It is what it is for now, for the short term and for god’s sake she is FINE. Everyone at her school says she is happy, she is doing well. She just wants to throw in a little more guilt for me in the morning. Because that’s JUST what I need at the moment.
I can hardly believe that there are just 8 weeks until this babe comes into our lives. Actually under 2 months to go. Shit. I haven’t allowed myself to really stop to think about it all, because I don’t want to get overwhelmed. Daisy is still in her room, the babies room is still the spare junk room and there are no signs whatsoever around our house that in just 2 months time there will be a BABY here. Who will need a bed, and a room and clothes and stuff. I feel awful that I haven’t even bought the baby one thing. Nothing. Eeeek! I think it’s because of everything else taking up so much of me that there isn’t much left for this little one. Too many hurdles to pass before I get there that I haven’t allowed myself to think about it yet. What a sad dis connect that is.
Urgh…. It’s all a little heavy I know. But that’s how I seem to roll at these days. Heavy in heart and in arse.