One thing I am fairly certain about raising kids is that time gets warped. Some days when Daisy is cranky, and whining about anything ALL day, times goes reeeaaaalllly slowly. Then other days, when we have a great day and she is happy, and funny and fabulous and we have a great family day it seems to be through my hands before I have had a proper moment to hold onto it. To relish it. It seems like Daisy has always been part of Rob and I even though she has only been around in some way for 3 years now (including the baking bit that is). I can’t remember the feeling of her inside of me, or even as a baby anymore. I have memories, smells, songs that take me right back there, but I can only seem to fully understand her in the now.
Then there is the whole “phase” things. When things turn shitty for no apparent reason at all – teeth, sleep, sickness, sleep, did I mention sleep? I use the whole mantra thing that it will pass but when you are in these “phases” (sounds so innocent for something so very bad at the time) time gets all screwed up again. If it’s only been 3 nights, or a week that “the bad thing” that is going on has been happening for, it somehow feels like weeks, or months! Surely it has been longer you wonder? And then soon as it all turned to shit, it turns back and you can’t seem to remember the hell you were living for the past *however* long. That is, until it all turns to shit again.
We are in one of those screwed up time warp things at the moment. It’s to do with…da da da da! SLEEEP! Now there’s a surprise! I finally, last night, admitted to myself that Daisy is a bad sleeper. Some kids (I have seen them, in fact I am related to them) sleep. As in they get into bed, and sleep, for the entire night. They don’t move. In fact they can even be transferred from car to bed, then car to bed again without waking. Daisy is not one of these. Never has been. And I am coming to the realisation that she probably never will be. Please allow me to expel this very large SIGH after that last sentence. She is a light sleeper. She has trouble getting to sleep, then when she gets to sleep she (often) wakes with night terrors. Heard of these? They suck. It’s where your child is not fully awake (in fact I am sure they are still fast asleep) but they have open eyes and throw the biggest tantrum/nightmare attack in the world (with thrashing, and banging and throwing for no extra cost) and are inconsolable. You cannot help them. They don’t actually see you. They look at you strangely and angrily. And it’s awful. Of all the things that parenthood has thrown at me, this is the worst. I hate not being able to help her. These mostly happen when she is over tired, but they start a whole shitty cycle of being over tired, then waking and freaking, then eventually getting back to sleep (but exhausted) so the whole things starts over again. She has never been able to transfer between bed and car. She always wakes in the night, calls out, needs comfort. While some of this is bad habit. Most of it is NOT. It’s just who she is.
The last few nights Daisy has been tired. Read big days at daycare, and not getting to bed till after 8.30pm. I don’t know why she can’t seem to get to sleep when she is SO tired, but she just can’t. Last night I was almost in tears in frustration at it all – I keep screaming to Rob like a mad woman “She should be asleep! She should be asleep!” like that was going to make any difference to the situation – that she should be doing something! It is also impossible for us to get her to bed any earlier. We all get home at 6.00pm. Dinner till 6.30 then bath and then (hopefully) in bed before 7pm but usually like 7.30. We can’t change that. It’s just the way things are at the moment – although I am sure that she would be better off in bed at 6.30pm. She has been waking 2-3 times (at least every night) and when I go down to her, she can’t be comforted, she is not really awake. And it’s killing me. I am SO tired from work myself, all I want at the end of the day is some time with Rob, dinner, and maybe even some TV before I crash out. But instead, it’s trying to get her to sleep until 8.30, a very pissed off Beth by that time, then dinner thrown together with me sulking that I haven’t eaten until this time and that any spare time with Rob has been taken up by getting her to sleep so I don’t really talk at all, then bed and then up, and then up and then up again. And then usually up to start the day by 5.30/6am.
I know that this will pass. I know that I just need to get her some rest somehow at the end of this week and the weekend and things will be better. I know that she is probably going through some sort of huge brain development at the moment and her mind is racing (her vocab and imagination has gone through the roof the past week). I know that while this has probably only being happening for a week or so, or maybe it has only been days?! It still sucks. And I’m tired. And I am going to whinge about it here. But I also know that we have had a fairly rough road with her and sleep and while it’s not all bad, all the time I am confident to say that it is pretty shitty most of the time, and the good is the exception. And I am scared beyond belief of throwing another child into the mix. Whilst they could be a sleeper. A dream baby. They may not be. They could be FAR worse than Daisy. And how will I cope then? Hey?!
I guess it will just be a jump to the left…and then a step to the right?