So…I am trying my best to be upbeat and work through the non-working issues, and today I actually feel much better about it all. I am determined not to get into a depressed funk about all this – it’s just not worth it – so many people are far worse off than me – and if I start to go down the self pity route I know from experience that it takes me far longer getting out of it then getting into it, and I have far better things to do with my time (as do you) so I have decided to just move on.
Today I got dressed and went and had lunch with some old work colleagues in the city, and it felt SO good to have something to do and somewhere to go – an appointment (!) some could even say. And of course when I was there I found a couple of leads I can follow up with work. Plus I felt in good company, had a laugh and had my self esteem boosted in the way you only can with old friends when they laugh at everything you say and make you feel like you are far more interesting, funnier then you actually are. So that’s a good thing. I have also made a couple of appointments with some other work leads next week, and am going to help out a friend’s small business next week by doing some book keeping so things are happening, bit by bit, slowly but surely.
BUT, Alas, there are a few things stopping me in the process of truly moving on and accepting the new changes in my life. And unfortunately for you I am going to have to try and get it down and work through it.
I am SO SO SO SO SO pissed off with the way things ended up with my old work. I am honestly on a daily basis in complete disbelief that my departure from the business went unnoticed. I have spoken (on many occasions) to friend’s and family about this and they all have the same answer – get over it – and believe me I am trying but I just can’t seem to reconcile this. That my old boss, who was actually (I thought) a friend has not said thank you. You will be missed. You did a great job. We went through a lot together – it’s a long story and one longer than I can even begin, but I had a longer working relationship with him on a daily basis then I have even had with Rob or Daisy and I just feel so betrayed by him. 6 years is a long time to spend with anyone, with anything (especially in small business). It’s like a bad divorce/break up and I can say this is the most that I have ever been hurt by someone in a long time (and believe me I have had me some hurt in the past). I hate that I can’t move on, that I am starting to get bitter about it, and that it consumes at least a few minutes of my head space almost every day. I get that the business had to be sold – that it was a business decision and that it must have been a million times worse for him as the owner to deal with. I get that as a man he may not have been able to express whatever he thought about it. I get that he probably was going through far worse dramas and just couldn’t take on any extra guilt he may have felt about me. I get that he knows I will be fine – that I will get another job and that things will probably be better for me in the long run. I get that. I understand that. I appreciate that. But what I can’t deal with is the silence. I wrote him a really long email on my last day of work saying how I was in shock with the way he said goodbye to me. No card. Nothing. I expressed my sadness at situation. At what a shame it was for us all – for the business we had all worked so hard on. I acknowledged all he taught me professionally and personally over the almost 6 years we worked together. And I wished him the best. For him and his family that we had spent time with. And I got NOTHING back. I keep expecting every day that today there will be something – an email, a call. But there isn’t. And almost 2 months on methinks that there ain’t going to be anything.
And you know the thing is it can’t really be fixed. I am not sure what would make it better – probably nothing because what I wanted was acknowledgement then. Not now. I have thought about calling him, catching up, being the bigger person but I (selfishly) don’t want to give him an out with this. So what do I do? Maybe just getting it down here will help. Maybe I will just have wait it out, that time will make it better. Maybe when I am working again and properly distracted in a new job I won’t have time to think about it, to mull over it. Maybe. Maybe not.