I am feeling a little highly strung, wound up, cranky – like a I have a coil of stress wound up inside me that the smallest thing has me *BOING* out of control like a mad woman! This morning alone I think I lost my cool about 5 times with Daisy and maybe 3 or 4 times with Rob all before 7.50am…poor things. I was SO cranky that when I got to work (after being driven by my poor suffering husband) I got out and slammed the car door without saying goodbye to either of them. I *think* that Rob said something that pissed me off there and then but I can’t remember what so who knows! And apparently little Daisy still blew me a kiss goodbye after the door slam, even after all my huffing. Who is the adult here? Not cool.
I even had one of the weird anxiety dreams that I had all the time when Daisy was a newborn last night. I woke up to her crying and thought that she had fallen asleep in our bed, then managed to get off the bed and fallen down the stairs of our bedroom (I always dreamt when I first had her that I had fallen asleep while feeding her in bed and that I had squashed her). So I ran downstairs then realised when I got there that she was in bed and I was a complete freak. Of course with all the commotion of me getting down there she was then wide awake so we spent the rest of the night together in the spare bed. I was too tired to even attempt to get her back down in her cot.
But I am going to try not to beat myself up. I am entitled to feel stressed. And confused. And pissed off. And scared. I have to make some decisions about the future and I really just don’t know what to do. Do I use this chance to start something completely new? Won’t that mean that I will have to work 5 days though? I really don’t want to have to go back to 5 days. Do I even have a say or any control over my career anymore? Do I go back to where I used to work? Do I stay in the same industry? When will I ever be able to have another child? When will I have my job till? Is anyone hiring at the moment? Where do I even begin with creating a CV? What skills do I have? Am I going to end up working the register at Aldi? I have a million questions spinning around and around my head, and it is exhausting me. I am finding it extremely difficult to show any interest at work, and not take it personally when I hear plans being made for the future of the business that don’t include me.
But I do know that I have fabulous friends and family who are all supporting me and are convinced that this is a good thing. That things happen for a reason. They are listening out for anything and I know will try and help me get through this. I know that in 6 months time this will all be a distant memory. But right now…boing…this lady is spinning out of control!