I’m not sure if you have ever seen a cartoon by Leunig – an Australian cartoonist – called the 3am whale? Probably not…here it is if you can read it…
It’s about waking in the middle of the night and worrying. I think that everything seems worse at 3am. It’s quiet and still, and dark, and you know that mostly everyone is asleep except you. The problem that wakes you seems SO big and HUGE and SCARY – it’s a whale of a problem. Then when the day comes it somehow doesn’t seem that bad.
I met with my old friend last night. The 3am worry whale. You see I lost my job yesterday. I know it sucks. I guess I knew that it could have been coming for a while now – the financial markets have been a disaster and the business has taken a toll. We had a meeting a few months ago saying that things weren’t great, but they weren’t disastrous and we should be OK. We made some staff cut backs and I just thought that meant we (as in I) would be OK. Apparently not. They are going to sell the business and client base and the people that are taking over aren’t interested in me. The others yes, but not me.
I have mixed emotions about it all. I am certainly shocked. I cried like a girl (I hate it when women cry especially at work but there I was doing it myself). I am sad that the business I have worked so hard on, given so much of myself to doesn’t need me anymore. It’s an end of an era and all that. I am pissed off with the timing – I may or may not have a job until Christmas and certainly not when we get back from Paris. Oh and yes there’s that – PERFECT time to go and spend money we don’t really have. And then there’s the whole having to go and get a job – the interviews, the starting over…AND now I guess we really will have to hold off on any more kids. I am not cool about starting somewhere and then getting up the duff as soon as I am in. AND then there is the current job market – not really many jobs – not a great time to hire. Blah blah blah.
BUT I am trying to look at the positives here. A new beginning and fresh start and all that. I know that I am far too fabulous for the dry world of finance. That I have wasted far too much time already in this industry and maybe this is MY time to do something that makes me really fulfill my potential. Something more creative, something to really float my boat. At least the decision was made for me about taking a leap of faith – I don’t have to let anybody down – I can just shut the door on that whole chapter because I well, have to.
But it still sucks for now. My head is spinning. I hardly slept at all last night with worry about the future and all the unknowns. I know it will be fine and that things happen for a reason but I just wish it wasn’t NOW.
Funny how one day your biggest worry is a toddler bed and now it’s this. The sardine has indeed turned into a whale…