It seems I have passed a magical milestone this week. I didn’t know that when your first born was 20 months, 3 weeks that you better start thinking about no 2! This week I think I have probably had at least 8 (!) different people ask me “you better get cracking on no. 2″! I mean today I was seeing my breast surgeon (that sounds like I am thinking of getting the girls done but alas there was another lump I was getting checked) and SHE asked me. Even things that I read where about having two kids, or being pregnant with the second kid, and a close friend had no 2. just last night. 2 has been on my mind. It’s like when you are thinking of buying a new car all you suddenly see is that car.
The answer to this is I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I ‘know’ that we should really have a crack and get on with it. If we managed to get preggers straight away then Daise would be 2 and a half by the time the babe was born. She would ‘hopefully’ be mostly toilet trained, and be in a big bed and sleeping through the night (HA!). I am also really lucky with my work being as flexible as I need it that now would be a good time to get cracking because who knows with the financial markets doing what they are doing I may not have this job forever.
BUT…there just seem to be so many buts. I can’t (in fact don’t want to) get pregnant before the big trip. I want to drink my body weight in french champagne, and walk, and sight see and eat cheese and everything that France has to offer and I do not want to feel anything like I did when I was in my first trimester with Daisy. I can barely cope with Daisy and her recent sleep patterns that if I threw a new born into the mix I am sure I would throw myself in front of a car. I know that I would be more confident this time but I know that I would probably put more pressure on myself if it wasn’t working out that I really am a failure. And a bad mother. And a shit wife. And so on and so forth. AND I would have to have sex. There’s that. Plus I have seen sisters and sister in laws and friends and cousins all go through no. 2 and 3 and even 4 (!) and it is SUCH hard work. Bad pay. Shitty hours. But a brother, or sister…I am desperate for Daisy to have what I did (and still have) with my 3 siblings…just without the birth/newborn bit!
So my days this week have been spent in a private dialogue in my head. Going through the pros and cons. I know that there is never a ‘right’ time to do anything important in life. You never know ‘exactly for sure’ that you are doing the right thing, that there is always a leap of faith. But I don’t think I am ready for that leap. Just yet anyway. Maybe when I see my friend’s new born baby boy tonight things could be different.
In any case my No 1. is still my No. 1.