It seems I have found a new hobby and favourite past time that I can’t stop doing. Not sure if you have ever tried it? It’s beating yourself up. Not physically. But mentally I am giving it a really good go.
It seems that the last few months I have been up and down and up and down with my emotions. A few months back you may recall me feeling a little like this or this and I tried to get thing back on track but I tell you the roller coaster is starting to get a little boring for all concerned. In fact it is making me a little woozy. I just can’t seem to find a balance. I am all earth mother happy as can be being a mother one minute and then the next cranky bitch from hell that cannot stand a whining baby. It’s exhausting for Rob, Daisy and me.
It seems that a little way back (somewhere but I’m not sure where) I lost my way on this parenting thing. I have become overwhelmed at motherhood and have lost any confidence that I once had. And to round it all off I manage to beat myself up about it, oh, let’s say 782 times a day. I don’t know how often I seem to apologise to Rob for being x y or z then to turn around and do x again but with even more venom and passion to then turn around and apologise twice as much. I have been snapping at Daisy (she is a freaking 17 month old what is wrong with me??), getting exacerbated and frustrated beyond belief when things don’t go “to plan” and manage to think that every single person in the world has a better behaved child/ better coping skills than I do (notice something familiar here hmmm???). How can I break out of this cycle? Why can’t I just chill the fuck out and let things be?
I am going to try and sort it out. See my doctor and see if I have some sort of post natal depression or something (can you even get that 18 months after you give birth?). Maybe I just need to get some hormone levels sorted or something? I guess at least I have acknowledged it and am going to try to stop the behaviour. This whole motherhood thing is just about the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am surprised that just when I think I have things sorted something will pop up and create a whole new range of dramas for me. As much as Daisy is going through so many different phases, perhaps I am going through them as well. I just (naively) thought that things would have been sorted out by now. But by sorted out what did I mean? I have all these silly expectations in my head that have been created from oh like NO experience or knowledge and then when they don’t go to plan (because geez they just might when you have no idea) I freak out.
I do give myself some credit and cut some slack. There is A LOT going on right now. I work 3 days a week, Daisy has just moved into different area at daycare and isn’t sleeping all that well so when she gets home she is EXHAUSTED. She is also not sleeping that well at night so we are up a couple of times (well had been up to the last couple of nights). She is 17 months old, and acting like a 17 month old should (read tricky behaviour at times). She is also going through a MAJOR separation anxiety phase and hates to be away from me at all (read exhausting for this Mumma). Rob has been working really hard and I have had a friend loose a child for no reason at all. There are reasons for me to be a little cranky and stressed out I guess. But yet I am still at it.
Ok. So that’s me (for the minute anyway). Bad mother. Grumpy wife. Oh that’s right I am going to STOP that. Silly me! No I didn’t mean that. This habit is going to be harder to break than I thought…